The 65 Funniest Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Known for his famous catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!”, Rodney Dangerfield is an unforgettable and talented comedian. Getting his start with stand-up comedy at various resorts in New York City, Rodney made his first comedic debut at the Catskill Mountains.

Dangerfield went from $12.00 side gigs to becoming a blockbuster sensation in one of the all time classic comedy favorites, Caddyshack. Who’d of thunk that this mild-mannered boy who grew up in Queens, New York would one day become a beloved celebrity?

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Along the way, bringing joy to millions of loyal fans, as well as these 65 most memorable Rodney Dangerfield Quotes!

1. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. — Rodney Dangerfield

2. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.” — Rodney Dangerfield

3. “At my age, I’m envious of a stiff wind.” — Rodney Dangerfield

4. “At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.” — Rodney Dangerfield

5. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” — Rodney Dangerfield

6. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

7. “If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.” — Rodney Dangerfield

8. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

9. “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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10. “My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield

11. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” — Rodney Dangerfield

12. “I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.” — Rodney Dangerfield

13. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

14. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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15. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” — Rodney Dangerfield

16. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” — Rodney Dangerfield

17. “I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” — Rodney Dangerfield

18. “I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.” — Rodney Dangerfield

19. “A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.” — Rodney Dangerfield

20. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield

21. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.” — Rodney Dangerfield

22. “I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.” — Rodney Dangerfield

23. “I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no.” — Rodney Dangerfield

24. “My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.” — Rodney Dangerfield

25. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet.” — Rodney Dangerfield

26. “I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.” — Rodney Dangerfield

27. “Life is just a bowl of pits.” — Rodney Dangerfield

28. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield

29. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” — Rodney Dangerfield

30. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

31. “Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

32. “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” — Rodney Dangerfield

33. “My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.” — Rodney Dangerfield

34. “When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” — Rodney Dangerfield

35. “I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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36. “The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” — Rodney Dangerfield

37. “Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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38. “I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.” — Rodney Dangerfield

39. “My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.” — Rodney Dangerfield

40. “My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens” — Rodney Dangerfield

41. “I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.” — Rodney Dangerfield

42. “I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

43. “Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.” — Rodney Dangerfield

44. “On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” — Rodney Dangerfield

45. “Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” — Rodney Dangerfield

46. “I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.” — Rodney Dangerfield

47. “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

48. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

49. “When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back” — Rodney Dangerfield

50. “My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.” — Rodney Dangerfield

51. “What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.” — Rodney Dangerfield

52. “With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.” — Rodney Dangerfield

53. “I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.” — Rodney Dangerfield

54. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.” — Rodney Dangerfield

55. “One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.” — Rodney Dangerfield

56. “I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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57. “With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!” — Rodney Dangerfield

58. “Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.'” — Rodney Dangerfield

59. “This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me.” — Rodney Dangerfield

60. “Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.” — Rodney Dangerfield

61. “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” — Rodney Dangerfield

62. “One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.” — Rodney Dangerfield

63. “Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.” — Rodney Dangerfield

64. “When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.” — Rodney Dangerfield

65. “I asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield Video – Rodney at the Top of His Game (1980)

This video is amazing. It’s a classic montage of Rodney at his peak from 1980. This is his appearance on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, just before Caddyshack opened in theaters.

If you want a comedic break, give this a watch. You will find it hilarious!

Image Credit: Press photo, photographer unknown, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons


These are 65 of my favorite Rodney Dangerfield Quotes; I hope that you enjoyed them as much as I! When you’re feeling sad and blue, let Rodney help to get you through.

When you’re feeling sad and blue, let Rodney help to get you through. So, the next time life throws you some lemons, turn them into Dangerfield Laughter-Ade.

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