45 Hilarious Quotes From Talladega Nights

Born And raised in North Carolina, Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby) has a passion for the fast lane. As an honorary Dennit Racing pit crew member, Ricky decides to slips into the famous racecar driver Terry Cheveaux’s vehicle and take it for a spin. From there our racing enthusiast ends up winning third place and goes on to become a champion racecar driver himself.

This side-splitting comedy will have You laughing from beginning to end. With his unforgettable Wonder Bread racing outfit, awesome cast, and hilarious writing, Will Farrell cracks the funniest jokes.

Talladega Nights – Only The Funniest Quotes

To help uplift your strenuous day, we present you with 45 of the funniest Talladega Nights Quotes.

1. “Here is the deal—I am the best that there is. Plain And simple. I wake up in the morning And I live excellence.” — Ricky Bobby

2. “I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip’s old war medals off the bridge.” — Walker

3. “I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.” — Cal Naughton, Jr.

4. “Ricky, remember: The field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.” — Chip

5. “I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says, like, I want to be formal but I want to party too. Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” — Cal Naughton Jr.

6. “You don’t understand. You don’t understand because You don’t understand liberty. You don’t understand freedom. So You put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?” — Ricky Bobby

7. “You gotta learn to drive with the fear, And there ain’t nothing more God darn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.” — Reese Bobby

8. “We keep it on there for profiling purposes! We’ve also got The Pet Shop Boys And Seal.” — Bartender

9. “Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?” — Jean Girard

10. “Ricky, remember: The field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.” — Chip

11. “Help me, Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me! Help me, Oprah Winfrey!” — Ricky Bobby

12. “Well, let me give You a saying from Colonel Sanders. I am too drunk to taste this chicken.” — Ricky Bobby

13. “Like the frightened baby chipmunk, You are scared by anything that is different.” — Jean Girard

14. “I hope that both of You have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented And star athletes And they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray for You to know that pain And that hurt.” — Ricky Bobby

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15. “Old man, I’m gonna come at You like a spider monkey!” — Texas Ranger

16. “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science And my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby

17. “Don’t You put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!” — Lucius Washington

18. “Wow. I feel like I’m in Highlander!” — Ricky Bobby

19. “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes And colors. I would like to thank You for bringin’ me And my mama together, And also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.” — Ricky Bobby

20. “Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.” — Jean Girard — From – Talladega Nights

21. “I’m all jacked up on mountain dew!” — Texas Ranger — From – Talladega Nights

22. “Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby — From – Talladega Nights

23. “No, I don’t know what that means, I guess longer lives.” — Lucius Washington

24. “If You ain’t first, you’re last.” — Ricky Bobby

25. “I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, And doing an interpretive dance of my life.” — Cal Naughton, Jr. — From – Talladega Nights

26. “I sent in my application to The Real World, so I’m hoping to hear back from that. I’m putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I’m also thinking about getting a gun, And dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like… like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, “Hey, what’s up guys? You want some crack?”. I’m just waiting on those two things to just kinda flesh themselves out.” — Ricky Bobby

27. “Hey, shut up You little pot-licker, I’ll stick You in a microwave!” — Reese Bobby

28. “I don’t know what to do with my hands.” — Ricky Bobby

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29. “Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call You JÈsusÖwe thank You so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominoís, KFC, And the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank You for my family, My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker, And Texas Ranger, or T.R., as we call him. And of course, my red hot smokiní wife, Carley, who is a stone-cold fox, who if You would rate her ass on 100 it would easily be a 94. I also want to thank You for my best friend And teammate, Cal Naughton Jr, Whoís got my back no matter what .” — Ricky Bobby

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30. “One of You turds is gonna get smacked in the mouth!” — Texas Ranger

31. (To the crew as they are speed-changing a customer’s tire) “Hey, Guys! No tires! We’re not a pit crew anymore, we are a car wash team.” — Lucius Washington

32. “Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, And I’m sayin’ grace. When You say grace, You can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever You want.” — Ricky Bobby

33. “Did that blow your mind? Because that just happened!” — Ricky Bobby

34. “I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, You know?” — Ricky Bobby

35. “Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, donít even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent. Weíd just like to thank You for all the races Iíve won And the $21.2 million, LOVE THAT MONEY! That I have accrued over this past season. Also due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace, I just wanna say that PowerAde is delicious And it cools You off on a hot summer day And we look forward to PowerAdeís release of mystic mountain blueberry. Thank you, for all your power And your grace, Dear Baby God, Amen.” — Ricky Bobby

36. “Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact And in no way a comment on his sexual orientation.” — PA Announcer

37. “Why do You want me to break your arm so badly?” — Jean Girard

38. “Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon’ get bumpy!” — Ricky Bobby

39. “Will You be my… Katie Couric?” — Jean Girard

40. “Shake And bake.” — Ricky Bobby

41. “You can’t have two No. 1s.” — Ricky Bobby

42. “From now on, it’s Magic Man And El Diablo.” — Ricky Bobby

43. “It’s because it’s what You love, Ricky. It is who You were born to be. And here you sit. Thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer, And that’s what You need to do. You don’t need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, And You need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab ahold of that line between speed And chaos, And You need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra. And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, You use it. And You know that fear is powerful because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And You use it. And You ride it; You ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, And then You win, Ricky. You WIN! And You don’t win for anybody else. You win for you, You know why? Because a man takes what He wants. He takes it all. And you’re a man, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” — Susan

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44. “Susan, I’ve never heard You talk like that… Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby

45. “My husband Gregory And I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm And develop a currency for dogs And cats to use.” — Jean Girard

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Talladega Nights Video

This is one of the funniest clips from the entire movie. It’s a scene where they are saying grace around the table…but with a hilarious Ricky Bobby Twist!

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Whether you’re looking to get a good laugh or unwind from your busy day, these Talladega Nights quotes are exactly what the doctor ordered!

And in honor of Ricky’s infamous Wonder Bread Mobile, we leave You with this one last quote. “Ricky Bobby appears to be unhurt, but that Wonder Bread car is toast.” — Race Announcer

Image Credit: Mike Kalasnik from Jersey City, USA, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

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