67 of the Funniest Seinfeld Quotes

In 1989 one of the most popular sitcoms, Seinfeld, aired its first episode and captured the interest of many people. The show starred cast members such as Jason Alexander, Julie Louis-Dreyfus, Wayne Knight, Jerry Stiller, Micheal Richards and of course the stand-up comedian himself Jerry Seinfeld.

‘Seinfeld’ was on the air for nine seasons on NBC and has a total of 180 episodes. The show revolved around Jerry Seinfeld and his friends in New York, in odd situations and a ton of laughable moments. The show was developed by Jerry Seinfeld and his comedian friend, Larry David. When Seinfeld ended in 1998 it was the highest rated show in America.

You may know ‘Seinfeld’ as “the show about nothing”, when it was pitched to NBC by Larry David it was actually supposed to be about how a comedian gets his comedy material but It was called ‘a show about nothing” in one of the episodes and that stuck with the fans.

Another interesting fact about ‘Seinfeld’ is that the opening music was different for every episode, Jonathon Wolff said “As long as he’s creating new material, I’ll do the same thing.” Rosie O’ Donnell auditioned to play Elaine in the show, actresses such as Patricia Heaton and Megan Mullally were also considered for the part, but as we all know Julie Louis-Dreyfus played the part and she played it well.

Seinfeld Quotes

  1. “You’re killing independent George!” – George
  2. “Ahh, What’s The Point? When I Like Them, They Don’t Like Me. When They Like Me, I Don’t Like Them. Why Can’t I Act With The Ones I Like The Way I Do With The Ones I Don’t Like?” – George
  3. “You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip just take one dip and end it.” – Timmy
  4. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry
  5. “I’ve driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution.” – George
  6. “Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel…” – Newman
  7. “Why should I hire you to be my latex salesman?” – Jerry
  8. “You Can’t Have A Relationship Where One Person Says ‘I Love You’ An The Other One Says ‘I’m Hungry, Let’s Get Something To Eat’.” – George
  9. “Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.” – Puddy
  10. “Salad! What was I thinking? Women don’t respect salad eaters.” – Jerry
  11. “You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect” – George
  12. “Oh I gotta get on that internet, I’m late on everything!” – Jerry
  13. “Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.” – George
  14. “I Once Broke Up With Someone For Not Offering Me Pie.” – Elaine
  15. “Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it.” – Morty
  16. “Moles.. Freckles’ ugly cousin.” – Kramer
  17. “I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?” – George
  18. “Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?” – George
  19. “The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.” – George
  20. “If You Can’t Say Something Bad About A Relationship, You Shouldn’t Say Anything At All.” – George
  21. “Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” – Jerry
  22. “People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.” – Jerry
  23. “She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?” – Kramer
  24. “I got news for you: Handicapped people, they don’t even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That’s why those spaces are always empty.” – Cosmo Kramer
  25. “You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something.” – Jerry
  26. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.” – Jerry
  27. “People On Dates Shouldn’t Even Be Allowed In Public.” – Jerry
  28. “Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?” – Elaine
  29. “See, here, you’re just another apple, but in Japan, you’re an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.” – Kramer
  30. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry
  31. “Just remember, when you control the mail, you control… information.” – Newman
  32. “When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.” – George
  33. “I Can’t Be With Someone Who Doesn’t Break Up Nicely. That’s An Important Part Of The Relationship.” – Elaine
  34. “You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.” – Kramer
  35. “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” – Jerry
  36. “I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” – George
  37. “You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle any more.” – Jerry
  38. “Boy, these pretzels are makin’ me thirsty.” – Kramer
  39. “I Can’t Be With Someone Like Me. I Hate Myself!” – Jerry
  40. “You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen… So who is having s*x with the rooster?” – Frank
  41. “How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?” – Jerry
  42. “I don’t get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren’t we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way’s Israel, I don’t fly off the handle.” – Jerry
  43. “I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.” – George
  44. “Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I’m doing things in this car, you have no idea they’re going on.” – George
  45. “That’s Because My Standards Are Too Low.” – Elaine
  46. “S*x, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.” – Jerry
  47. “You’re giving me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them not me; if it’s anybody, it’s me.” – George
  48. “They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!” – Kramer
  49. “What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?” – Jerry
  50. “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.” – Jerry
  51. “I Have Never Been Anyone’s Type” – George
  52. “Borrowing money from a friend is like having s*x. It just completely changes the relationship.” – George
  53. “I’ll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is: if you’re going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.” – Jerry
  54. “Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that, they’re baggin’ up, they’re rising in! And there’s nothing holding me in place! I’m flippin’! I’m floppin’!” – Cosmo Kramer
  55. “Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?” – George
  56. “I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.” – George
  57. “Marriage? Family? They’re Prisons! Manmade Prisons! You’re Doing Time!” – Kramer
  58. “I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” – Elaine
  59. “That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society.” – Elaine
  60. “What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.” – Jerry
  61. “What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” – Jerry
  62. “I need the secure packaging of jockeys. My boys need a house.” – Kramer
  63. “I don’t trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he de-gifted, and now he’s using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl s*x romp.” – Jerry
  64. “Hey! What’s the deal with decaf? How do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?” – Jeannie
  65. “Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?” – Jerry
  66. “I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?” – Jerry
  67. “Jerry, these latkes are going like hotcakes.” -Kramer
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If you love Seinfeld, you will love our Larry David Quotes too!

And you will probably also love the dry humor in Office Space, the Movie – see our Office Space Quotes.

Seinfeld Video – The Best Moments

If you want to relive some of the best moments of the Seinfeld TV Show, here is an amazingly fun video with some of the very best moments. Check it out and you will be laughing in the next 60 seconds…


Summary of Seinfeld

The network offered Jerry Seinfeld $110 Million dollars for a tenth season of Seinfeld and he turned them down – he said that he found out nine in numerology meant completion. Reading these quotes will jog your memory on not only the episodes they were from but the endless laughs that the show provided you.

Families usually sat together after dinner or whatnot and watched television together, maybe your family did this and you’d like to send a quote to your mom to remind her of your favorite episode. ‘Seinfeld’ might be off the air, but it has left us with the wonderfully hilarious re-runs to re-watch over and over again.

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Image Credit: slgckgc, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

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