35 Hilarious Quotes from The Birdcage

The Bird Cage Quotes

The Birdcage (1996) is a hysterically funny American movie based on the French play and film, “La Cage aux Folles.” Armand and Albert Coleman (Robin Williams and Nathan Lane) Are a gay couple who live above the drag club Armand owns, suitably called The Birdcage. Albert is the club’s star attraction, Starina.

When Armand’s son Val, the product of Armand’s one-night stand with Katherine, announces he is going to marry his girlfriend Barbara, a hilarious comedy of errors begins. Barbara’s parents Are conservative Senator Kevin Keely and his wife, Louise (Gene Hackman and Diane West).

When Barbara’s parents decide to visit Val’s parents to escape a political scandal, a massive redecorating project begins in their home. And then there is the problem of Albert, the flamboyant drag queen who decides he can pose as a straight uncle. Between trying to teach Albert to act like a straight man, redecorating the home, teaching the flamboyant housekeeper to act as a butler, and arranging for Katherine to attend the meeting, all kinds of havoc ensue.

When Val’s parents arrive, Albert surprises everyone by entering the room as a middle-aged woman. The deceit is finally uncovered when Katherine unintentionally uncovers the ruse. Even funnier, Senator Keely has a difficult time understanding the couple’s relationship, believing the issue is that they Are Jewish!

When the Keelys finally attempt to leave, they Are ambushed by reporters. Albert leads them back upstairs, dresses them in drag, and they exit through the drag club without being noticed. Barbara and Val Are married with both sets of parents attending. A favorite film among BLGTQ and all fans, “The Birdcage” remains hilarious still today.

We have gathered 35 hilarious quotes from “The Birdcage” so You can enjoy the fun all over again.

Quotes from The Bird Cage Movie

  1. (Albert) Don’t use that tone to me.(Armand) What tone?(Albert) That sarcastic contemptuous tone. That means You know everything because you’re a man, and I know nothing because I’m a woman.(Armand) You’re not a woman.(Albert) Oh, You bastard!
  2. (Armand) You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!… but You keep it all inside.
  3. (Armand) What Are You giving him drugs for? What the hell Are Pirin tablets? (Agador) It’s aspirin with the “A” and the “S” scraped off. (Armand) My God, what a brilliant idea! (Agador) I know.
  4. (Albert) Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once. Young and full of hope. And now Look at me: I’m this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged thing!(Armand) I made You short?
  5. (Agador) Armand, why won’t You let me be in the show? What? Are you afraid of My Guatemalan-ness?(Armand) Your what?(Agador) My Guatemalan-ness. My natural heat. You Are afraid I am too primitive, right, to be on the stage with Your little estrogen Rockettes, right?(Armand) Oh, yes, I’m afraid of Your heat!
  6. (Armand) Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. yes, I’m a middle-aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I’m not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. F**k the senator, I don’t give a d**n what he thinks.
  7. (Male Dancer) Chewing gum helps me think.
    (Albert) Sweetie, you’re wasting Your gum.
  8. (Senator Keeley) I don’t understand. (Barbara Keeley) He’s a man, they’re both men. (Senator Keeley) Can’t be, You can’t be Jewish. (Barbara Keeley) No Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. This is a man. (Senator Keeley) What? (Louise Keeley) Don’t You understand, they’re gay. They own the drag club downstairs, they’re two men.
  9. (Agador) Good morning.
    (Armand) Not yet. Ooh, what is this? Sludge?
    (Agador) Yes, it’s sludge. I thought it’d make a nice change from coffee.
  10. (Agador) Good evening. May I take Your purse as usual, or for the first time?
  11. (Albert) Oh God, I pierced the toast! (Armand) So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, “Albert, You pierced the toast, so what? It’s not the end of Your life.”
  12. (Senator Keeley) I don’t really drink. (Agador) Yeah, well now’s the time to pretend.
  13. (Armand) I’ve never felt such tension. It’s like riding a psychotic horse towards a burning stable.
  14. (Armand Goldman) There’s only one place in the world I call home and it’s because you’re there. So take it. What difference does it make if I say You can stay or You say I can stay? It’s ours.
  15. (Albert) Could You tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val’s Uncle? Uncle Al? (Armand) What’s the point? You’d be Val’s gay Uncle Al. (Albert) Oh, I could play it straight! (Armand) Oh please, Look at you! Look at the way you’re holding Your glass! Look at Your pinky! Look at Your posture! (Albert) What? What about you? You’re obviously not a cultural… whatever it is. You’ve never been to a museum, and You eat like a pig! (Armand) Albert, these people Are right-wing conservatives. They don’t care if you’re a pig, they just care if you’re a fag!… Ah, f**k ’em! Of course, You can pass as an uncle!
  16. (Senator Keeley) That’s just what Rush Limbaugh said!
  17. (Armand) What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an Uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn’t it? When You need a woman…
  18. (Armand) Al, You old son of a b**ch! How ya doin’? How do You feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30-yard line with only 34 seconds to go! (Albert) How do You think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered… wrong response?
  19. (Agador) My father was the shaman of his tribe and My mother was the high priestess. (Armand) So why the hell did they move to New Jersey? (Agador) I don’t know, they’re so stupid.
  20. (Albert) You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
  21. (Armand) All right, I’ll bite, where Are You going? (Albert) To Los Copa. (Armand) Los Copa? There’s nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery. (Albert) I know, that’s why I’m packing light. (Armand) Oh I see, so you’re going to a cemetery with Your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
  22. (Senator Keeley) Louise, people in this country aren’t interested in details. They don’t even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.
  23. (Armand) Now take that wig off or I’ll tell Albert you’re wearing it. (Agador) You do that, I’m gonna tell him you’re seeing somebody else while he’s on the stage. (Armand) I have two words for you: green card.
  24. (Armand) I think I need a doctor. (Albert) Oh, don’t be silly. It isn’t even swollen. (Armand) Maybe we should go to the emergency room. Y’ know I can get it x-rayed. (Albert) Oh, dear, you’re overreacting Don’t be such a baby. Just sit down on the-AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! We’ve been robbed!
  25. (Senator Keeley) Louise, I’m the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!
  26. (Val) [Agador is dancing by the pool] Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening? (Armand) There Are no straight maids in South Beach.
  27. (Albert) Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at My expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I’m not young, I’m not new, and everyone laughs at me. I’m quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I’ve been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
  28. (Armand) Shouldn’t You be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
  29. (Albert) No good? (Armand) Actually, it’s perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.
  30. (Armand) Don’t worry about that. I’m very maternal. And Albert’s practically a breast.
  31. (Albert) Oh yes… Coldeman. The “d” is silent in America. It’s Cole D’Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand’s chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand’s work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand’s home is, so actually, we don’t know where we Are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
  32. (Armand) Agador! (Val) Spartacus! (Armand) Agador Spartacus!… He insists on being called by his full name.
  33. (Albert) My mother always said, “Live on Fisher Island, get buried in PalmBeach. That way, you’ll have the best of Florida.”
  34. (Agador) When You gonna let me audition for You again? (Armand) When You have talent.
  35. (Armand) Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show.(Albert) Yeah, so just because you’re twenty-two and hung doesn’t mean that You can… (Armand) Let me do this, Albert

Related: See our Collection of Gay Pride Quotes

The Bird Cage Movie – Official Trailer

Here is the official trailer. It’s worth a watch if you want to see what the movie is about if you haven’t seen it.

Related: Office Space Quotes

Summary

We hope You have enjoyed these 35 hilarious quotes from “The Birdcage.” To us, the movie never ceases to be both funny and heart-warming as the Keelys learn that their child’s happiness is more important than political views.

 

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