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75 Funny Retirement Quotes That Will Add More To Your Life

75 Funny Retirement Quotes That Will Add More To Your Life

Are you wondering what to write in a retirement card? If so, we have done the research for you. Here is a collection of some funny retirement quotes.

Retirement Quotes

Use them in your retirement speech for a colleague. Or write it down in a card for the family member. They are sure to lighten the mood and make clear that retiring is not that bad. Enjoy!

1.“Retirement is like a never-ending weekend party except that you can’t drink, can’t hook up and can’t stay up all night even if you want to. So in short, it is boring. Congratulations.” – Unknown

2.“All your life you sacrificed your health so you could earn more money to retire happily. Now you’ll realize that you’ll be spending all the money to keep up your health. Congratulations.” – Unknown

3.“No matter how many college degrees, skill development courses and professional accreditations you have received, there is one more qualification you will still receive after your retirement – Master of Doing Nothing. Congratulations.” – Unknown

4.“Every day of your retired life will feel like a happy Friday night. But it’s useless because being old will make you feel dull like Monday morning all the time.” – Unknown

5.“You always cursed your body when you were ill which made you miss an important deadline at work. Retirement is when you will finally curse yourself for using an important deadline at work as an excuse for not taking care of your body all these years.” – Unknown

6.“Congratulations on retiring. Have fun watching your life’s savings dwindle out.” – Unknown

7.“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld

8.“When some people retire, it’s going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference.” – Virginia Graham

9.“When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” – R C Sherriff

10.“A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” – Ella Harris

11.“The worst of work nowadays is what happens to people when they cease to work.” – Gilbert K. Chesterton

12.“Retirement, we understand, is great if you are busy, rich and healthy. But then, under those conditions, work is great too.” – Bill Vaughan

13.“Retire for what? What would I do? I made my name as a person that is helping. I’m like Moses in the music business.” – James Brown

14.“We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work – and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.” – Dave Allen

15.“Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements

16.“Retired people compliment my teeth, then tell me to take care of them. This always makes me think they are trying to steal them.” – Emily Claire Tamblyn

17.“When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.” – Gail Sheehy

18.“People are always asking me when I’m going to retire. Why should I? I’ve got it two ways. I’m still making movies, and I’m a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.” – George Burns

19.“Two weeks is about the ideal length of time to retire.” – Alex Comfort

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20.“Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

21.“No more morning alarms. No more rush hour and morning commutes. Most of all, no more stress from people at the office! Congratulations.” – Unknown

22.“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons

23.“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” – Doug Larson

24.“I know you’re feeling a little sad because your career is over. Just remember that you have spent the last 30 years of your life with the same bunch of people. Feel better already? Congratulations on your retirement! ” – Unknown

25.“Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.” – Unknown

26.“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez

27.“People may live as much retired from the world as they like, but sooner or later they find themselves debtor or creditor to someone.” – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

28.“Retirement life is seven day weekends. Congrats – you deserve all the best! ” – Unknown

29.“Retirement is when you stop living at work and begin working at living.” – Unknown

30.“Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.” – Unknown

31.“A word of warning. There’s a retired person in the premises with not a lot to do and plenty of stories to tell! ” – Unknown

32.“When you retire, you switch bosses — from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” – Gene Perret

33.“You are leaving the four corners of this office, but the trauma that you will leave behind in all of us will remain. Just kidding. Enjoy life as a retiree! ” – Unknown

34.“You know that you’re ready to retire when getting lucky for you means finding your car in the parking lot without calling for help. Enjoy your retirement! ” – Unknown

35.“Health, family, friends and relationships are some of the things that you sacrificed in your life so that you could work harder and earn more money. Now you will realize that you need these things to enjoy retirement. Such is the irony of life.” – Unknown

36.“In case you did not know, retirement is a conspiracy of the powers that be because they are tired of paying you a salary for being busy doing nothing, and they do not want to continue spending money on giving you medical benefits that you never use anyway. Now you can finally do what you have been so good at all these years, being busy, busy doing absolutely nothing.” – Unknown

37.“You should have retired when you were still young because then you had the strength to do much more. Now all you will be doing is sleeping, eating and walking the dog if you have one. No more strength for any meaningful work.” – Unknown

38.“May you enjoy your real retirement years just the way you enjoyed your retirement from the day you began working here. You have mastered the art of retirement and I can assure you that it looks good on you.” – Unknown

39.“One of the problems with retirement is that it gives you more time to read about all the problems of retirement.” – Unknown

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40.“I think you are just being polite in saying that you will miss us. What I think you mean is that you will miss the free coffee and tea, you will miss the free stationery and most of all you will miss being a bother to all of us. Happy retirement to you.” – Unknown

41.“You are long past your due date and it is time for you to join the junk yard of retirees. Don’t worry, every once in a while someone finds treasure in a junk yard and who knows, it may just be you.” – Unknown

42.“Now it is your turn to be shown the door. Retirement is a polite way of saying you are past your due date and you need to get out. Happy retirement.” – Unknown

43.“Happy retirement and my advice is that you do not try to say that you are coming back because you will be surprised at people’s reactions. No one will give back your office, nor your parking space. No one misses you that much.” – Unknown

44.“Consider retirement as Christmas but without Santa and all the trimmings. It is the season to be jolly until reality steps in and you find yourself with too much time on your hands with too little to do other than sleep and eat. Happy retirement.” – Unknown

45.“Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret

46.“Yes,” he laughed, “I’ve been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They’re called naps.” – Terri Guillemets

47.“The big challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money.” – Unknown

48.“My retirement plan is to wait for a global catastrophe to wipe out the majority of humanity, survive, and then rise up as Emperor of Earth.” – Unknown

49.“A gold watch is the most appropriate gift for retirement, as its recipients have given up so many of their golden hours in a lifetime of service.” – Unknown

50.“In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day.” – Terri Guillemets

51.“Retirement is life’s way of telling you that you are too old and too weak to work any longer. Congratulations.” – Unknown

52.“Happy retirement. Be wary of the sad faces of those who say they will miss you. They will probably miss the free lunches you bought them, the free doughnuts you brought to work once in a while and maybe the free rides they got from you to and from work.” – Unknown

53.“Sometimes it’s hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or a punishment.” – Unknown

54.“Retirement is like a bubble that burst just when you think you are at the zenith of your career.” – Unknown

55.“Retirement is like being out of school for the summer but the summer never ends.” – Unknown

56.“Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and, how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer

57.“In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; It will keep you awake in the afternoon.” – Unknown

58.“Retirement: World’s longest coffee break.” – Unknown

59.“Old age, delicate bones, specialist visits, medicinal checkups and a powerless bladder – would you say you are as yet anticipating retirement? Congrats.” – Unknown

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60.“Remember each one of those things that you needed to do in your life, however didn’t on account of you never had sufficient energy? Try not to anticipate doing them after your retirement either – you will either be excessively old or excessively poor, making it impossible, making it impossible to manage the cost of them now. Wish you a cheerful retirement.” – Unknown

61.“Retirement resembles an endless end of the week party with the exception of that you can’t drink, can’t connect and can’t remain up throughout the night regardless of the possibility that you need to. So to put it plainly, it is exhausting. Congrats.” – Unknown

62.“Retirement resembles a deep rooted excursion, aside from that you are no longer fit to do a large portion of the fun stuff. Congrats.” – Unknown

63.“All your life you relinquished your wellbeing so you could procure more cash to resign cheerfully. Presently you’ll understand that you’ll be spending all the cash to keep up your wellbeing. Congrats.” – Unknown

64.“Until now, when you slacked at work your manager yelled at you. Presently when you slack at family unit errands, your better half will yell at you. Happy retirement.” – Unknown

65.“Retirement is a fence – on one side lies diligent work and on alternate falsehoods fatigue. Either ways, it’s unpleasant.” – Unknown

66.“Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.” – Unknown

67.“Behind every retired man is a wife who wishes he will go back to work.” – Unknown

68.“I retired for health reasons. My company was sick of me and I was sick of them.” – Unknown

69.“Retirement: Really tired mentally!” – Unknown

70.“Retirement: I am pretty sure there is nothing more satisfying in life than sleeping while someone else gets ready for work.” – Unknown

71.“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” – Harry Vardon

72.“It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.” – Scott Elledge

73.“Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids’ inheritance before I die!” – Anon

74.“A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell ’em to get a life.” – Larry Laser

75.“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” – Jim Bishop


Agreed, work gives meaning to our lives. It is a part of our identity. The thought of not going to work is scary, but retirement gives a chance to enjoy the life. There were many things you always wanted to do. But somehow you never found a time.

Now is the time to make your dreams come true. By investing in your hobbies and passion, you can embark on a new journey in your life, and let these funny retirement quotes to add more to you life.