The 56 Funniest Larry David Quotes

Larry Gene David is a writer, American comedian, actor, television producer, and director born on 2nd July 1947. He and Jerry Seinfeld are the founders of the TV series Seinfeld where Larry was the head writer as well as executive producer, the first seven seasons. Larry gained further recognition for the creation of HBO Series Curb Your Enthusiasm. The thing that has always been humor about Larry David is that he usually plays semi-fictional copy of himself on TV!

Larry David has co-written the stories of the comedy Curb Your Enthusiasm since its first episode in 1999. In 2009 David starred in the Whatever Works Woody Allen film. He also took a small role in the Three Stooges in 2012 and later, he co-wrote and appeared in the film Clear History- HBO in 2013. In 2015, Larry David made his debut in a film he wrote- Fish in the Dark. In the same year, David made his first of many appearances as a politician Bernie Sanders on the SNL.

In his personal life, he was married to Laurie Lennard for 14 years and they had two daughters; Cazie and Romy whom they are co-parenting. Larry David was a very Influential person who has numerous quotes and wise saying on most if not all aspects of life. Below is a collection of Larry David quotes.

Larry David Quotes

1. “Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad.”– Larry David

2. “All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.”– Larry David

3. “I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.”– Larry David

4. “When I was living in New York and didn’t have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I’d think, that’ll be good, that’ll be a good spot for me when I’m homeless.”– Larry David

5. “Shouldn’t be having a birthday party two weeks after your birthday … Okay, three days, no more than that though, it’s not your birthday anymore! There’s gotta be a time, there’s gotta be a cutoff point where you can’t have birthday parties. You’re so desperate for a party that you have to have a party two weeks after? Wait till next year, you missed it!”– Larry David

6. “I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I’d rather give them things than time.”– Larry David

7. “You can’t do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.”– Larry David

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8. “There’s a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.”– Larry David

9. “I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.”– Larry David

10. “I once stopped to pick up a girl, and then there was this creepy-looking guy standing behind the bushes waiting to jump out and get in, too. So I just quickly drove away.”– Larry David

11. The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it’s the best of both worlds. There’s a lot to be said for it.” — Larry David

12. “Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my name, just see what happens.”– Larry David

13. “I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.”– Larry David

14. “A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”– Larry David

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15. “You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid”– Larry David

16. “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough”– Larry David

17. “I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me.”– Larry David

18. “When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.”– Larry David

19. “I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.”– Larry David

20. “I couldn’t be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.”– Larry David

21. “I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.”– Larry David

22. “The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward.”– Larry David

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23. “Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.”– Larry David

24. “Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.”– Larry David

25. “I guess I still feel that I’m a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn’t mean that I like it, but I feel that’s what I am.”– Larry David

26. “It has to do – I think – with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.”– Larry David

27. “I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money – this is the guy who needs to laugh.”– Larry David

28. “An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole.”– Larry David

29. ” I’ m really only happy when I’m on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That’s what I’m all about – people and laughter.”– Larry David

30. “I tell people that I’ve now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.”– Larry David

31. “I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”– Larry David

32. “I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.”– Larry David

33. “Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.”– Larry David

34. “You know, when you do standup there are certain requirements that you have to do like you have to go on stage and when you get introduced you have to say “Hey,how ya doin’? How are ya?” I couldn’t do it. It was false.”– Larry David

35. “I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous.”– Larry David

36. “I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.”– Larry David

37. “The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don’t like to have hot food for lunch.”– Larry David

38. “When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”– Larry David

39. “I’m surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.”– Larry David

40. “Women love a self-confident bald man.”– Larry David

41. “A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied.”—Larry David

42. “Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.”—Larry David

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43. “I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.”—Larry David

44. “I’m a jerk, that’s who I am. I’m like everybody else.”—Larry David

45. “Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.”—Larry David

46. “Zero, zero belief in myself. And it’s changed somewhat, but there’s still a lot of that in me.”—Larry David

47. “At first, I didn’t realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.”—Larry David

48. “I don’t take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.”—Larry David

49. “I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed.”—Larry David

50. “I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.”—Larry David

51. “I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word ‘happy’ has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, ‘happy.”—Larry David

52. “Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.”—Larry David

53. “I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.”—Larry David

54. “Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.”—Larry David

55.  “If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.” –Larry David

56. “Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.”—Larry David

If you love these quotes, be sure to see our Seinfeld Quotes too!

Video – Larry David is a Genius (from Joe Rogan Experience)

In this clip from the Joe Rogan Experience, Jeff Garlin and Joe Rogan speak about the genius of Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

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Larry David was a very influential comedic actor. He is most known for his cranky, angry old man sort of humor that resonates with New Yorkers!

These quotes are funny and hopefully they remind you of how funny he was and also of his time on Seinfeld. You can watch old Seinfeld episodes here.

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Image Credit: “Larry David” by Sharon Graphics is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0


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