30 Hilarious Quotes from the HBO series Flight of the Conchords

Flight of the Conchords is an HBO comedy series about the New Zealand band of the same name. Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement formed the band in 1998 when they were students And flatmates at Victoria University of Wellington. They became one of the most popular comedy-folk bands in New Zealand.

In 2004, the band created a series for BBC Radio 2. That same year they premiered in Canada with several shows. In 2007, they premiered the HBO series, which quickly developed a following. In 2009, they returned for a second season but Did not return for a third season.

Fans of the band And the who appreciate the band’s music and the hilarity of the duo. We Have collected 30 hilarious quotes from the HBO series so you can enjoy the quirky humor of this delightful pair known as “The Flight of the Conchords.”

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

  1. (Jemaine) It doesn’t matter What country someone’s from, or What they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn’t matter What they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently…some would say, more correctly.(Sinjay) Yeah…(Jemaine) Let me finish. I’m a person. Bret’s a person. You’re a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.(Sinjay) That’s a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals And retarded monkeys.(Jemaine) No, you’re thinking of Australians(Bret) Yea that’s Australians
  2. (Bret) Jemaine, I don’t think we’re going to get sex And get paid.(Jemaine) Why not?(Bret) ‘Cause we never get sex or get paid.
  3. {Murray) Bret, could You get a pencil out of my stationary cabinet, please?Bret: Where’s that?Murray: Just the glove box.
  4. (Jemaine) You’re So beautiful, like a tree or a high-class prostitute.
  5. (Murray) Be careful with it. Don’t stand next to any big magnets.(Jemaine) Why (would I stand next to a big magnet?(Murray) I don’t know what You do in your personal life.
  6. (Murray) Stuff you, Jemaine! And stuff you, Brett! And stuff You again, Jemaine!(Jemaine) Why do I get double-stuffed?
  7. (Dave) I think you’ve gotta use honesty here. I mean, You know, it’s always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, Well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, And they were like ‘Dave, we wanna Have a five way with you.’ I just told them, ‘honestly, okay.’ Then I gave it to ’em. Hard. And then they were like, “Dave we want to marry you.” But I was like “I don’t know how they do things where You guys are from, but I don’t think monogamy is legal in this country.”
  8. (Jemaine) I’m not cryin’. It’s just been raining… on my face.
  9. (Jemaine) It’s not a cleaning cupboard, it’s an apartment. It’s my studio apartment. (Murray) More like a ‘compartment’.
  10. (Dave) Women love that sensitive nautical s**t.(Bret) Really?(Dave) Yeah. Haven’t You ever seen Watership Down?
  11. (Jemaine) [as David Bowie] Wear the eye patch, Bret, wear the funky, funky eye patch.
  12. (Bret) Send a cheque in a letter to make a Setter feel better. (Jemaine) Come on, make a donation to save a shakin’ Dalmatian.
  13. (New Zealand Prime Minister Brian) Bret, What can You bring?(Bret) I can make half a dozen croutons.(New Zealand Prime Minister Brian) Half a dozen? Do You think You could go higher than half a dozen?(Bret) 900?(Murray) They’d be very small. Almost like crumbs.(New Zealand Prime Minister Brian) 900? No, I think that’s too many. Try And split the difference. Try and Come down from 900 but up from six or seven.(Bret) I could probably make 15 croutons if You like.(New Zealand Prime Minister Brian) Excellent. Excellent idea. You’re showing promise, young man.
  14. (Brahbrah) I thought You guys were gay.
  15. (Bret) Did You use protection? (Jemaine) Yes, but only on my penis.
  16. (Jemaine) Bret. Have You seen Keitha?(Bret) She robbed us! Her And her friends jumped me, And taped me to the door.(Jemaine) Did she mention me at all?(Bret) No. Sorry man.(Jemaine) I’m not sure about her And me.
  17. (Jemaine) I can’t believe You got that job and I didn’t. (Bret) You know, you’ve got to work on your people skills.(Jemaine) Yeah, shut up, Bret.
  18. (Murry) How do You think You get to be “sold out.” It’s the small venues. It’s a trick. It’s an old trick.
  19. (Keitha) You couldn’t get more Australian than me. My great-great-grandpa was a renowned rapist, And they shipped him out to Australia And that’s where he met my great-great-grandma; she was a prostitute. You know, I said “met” but he raped her.
  20. (Bret) Okay, Dave, do You Have any special skills? (Dave) I can make a weapon out of pretty much anything. Like when I’m gardening, some a-hole tries to sneak up And take me out – watering can tied to a hose. (whipping noises) Cops show up, “What’s that, officer? Just watering the geraniums.
  21. (Jemaine) It’s dark, Bret.(Bret) Yeah, I know.(Jemaine) What expression is on your face?(Bret) Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?(Jemaine) Sad because we don’t Have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.(Bret) That’s a weird expression.Related: Memorable Quotes from the Gilmore Girls TV Show
  22. (Bret) She’s So hot, she’s making me sexist – b**ch.
  23. (Murry) Just to Let You know, your awards over there – they’re fake! I had to make them myself. They’re pencil sharpeners stuck onto a couple of bits of wood to make you feel better!
  24. (Murray) Bret, You should Have a guitar.(Bret) I sold it to pay the bills.(Murray) You can’t go on like that! Won’t it sound weird with just the ‘big guitar’ that Jemaine plays?(Jemaine) Bass. It’s called a bass guitar.(Murray) Well, I call it the ‘Dad guitar’ ’cause it’s more like (deep voice) “Da da da da – I’m your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed And get the mower And do the lawns – de de de.” You need Bret’s ‘Mum guitar’ to add the beautiful tones (high voice) “Come on, darling, Murray’s okay. Why You get home So late, Gordon?” (deep voice) “I was just havin’ a few beers.”(Bret) It’ll sound fine.(Murray) It won’t sound fine, Bret, you’ve got no guitar! (Bret plays his air guitar) I can hardly hear it! You’d Have to be deaf to hear that.
  25. (Jemaine) You don’t even know anything about threesomes.(Bret) Have You ever had a threesome?(Jemaine) Nearly.(Bret) What do you mean, nearly?(Jemaine) I’ve had a twosome.
  26. (Bret) Oh, no I’m not gonna leave her, I told You that. You know, I like the band but, no, I’m not leaving Coco.(Coco) I wouldn’t mind, I mean if that’s what You really want.(Bret) Shush baby.(Coco) I… I don’t really see us as a long-term…(Bret) Shush.(Jemaine) So what’s it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?(Bret) Well, it’s gonna be Coco.
  27. (Murray) Jermaine?(Jermaine) Present.(Murray) Bret?(Bret) Yep.(Murray) And Murray… yes, present, thank you… I’m always here anyway, I don’t know why I bother with my line.
  28. (Bret) So he wouldn’t serve us basically just because we’re from New Zealand.(Jemaine) Is that the norm?(Dave) Well, You guys are in America now, And there’s a lot of prejudice here. Especially towards people like you.(Bret) What do you mean, people like us?(Dave) You know, the English and What not, red coats, the oppressors…(Jemaine) We’re not English.(Dave) Be that as it may Jemaine, you’re pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.(Jemaine) What about black people?(Dave) They don’t like You either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.

    (Bret) Yeah, but Dave, you’re Indian. D’you hate us?

    (Dave) Yeah, sometimes.

    (Jemaine) But you’re our best friend.

    (Dave) I know.

  29. (Mugger) What is this? Why does this phone Have a camera glued to it?(Bret) It’s a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.(Mugger) [to other mugger]: Look at this. [To Bret]: Oh yeah? Where’d You get it?(Bret) I made it. It’s homemade.(Mugger) Yeah, it’s a piece of s**t.(Bret) Well, how Come Jemaine likes it So much?(Jemaine) You can Have it.
  30. (Bret) I Have 15 dollars.(Mugger) Great, give me that.(Bret) It’s in the bank.(Mugger) No! We don’t Have time to go to the bank.(Jemaine) We might just Have time.

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The hysterically funny pair Have developed a fan base from one side of the world to another with their comedy routine And folk-comedy music. They are winners of multiple awards.

Flight of the Conchords is a fun television show And a great band. We hope You Have enjoyed these 30 hilarious quotes from the delightful duo And their obsessed fan Mel.

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Image Credit: Kim Metso, CC BY-SA 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

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