The 35 Funniest Quotes from Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore was released in 1996. It’s a comedy about a man named Happy Gilmore (Adam Sandler) who loves ice hockey. His goal in life is to be a professional hockey player. The team doesn’t feel that he plays as good as he should and don’t want him on the team. He doesn’t take the rejection well at all and he throws things and it leads him to want to try a new sport.

Happy then takes an interest in golf. He has a coach named Chubbs (Carl Weathers) who shows him how to play golf. He finds out disturbing news about his grandmother (Frances Bay) and finds out that she’s about to lose her home unless she can afford the payments. So he tries his best to get good at golf, and he ends up joining a tournament so he could win money to save her house.

The professional golf players aren’t happy that he’s in the tournament and will do what they can to keep him from winning. Shooter McGavin (Christopher Macdonald) is the best golf player in the tournament and doesn’t want Happy Gilmore to win the competition since he is Happy’s biggest competitor in the tournament.

The movie has a lot of funny one-liners that will keep you laughing.

Happy Gilmore Quotes

Here are the most memorable and funniest quotes from Happy Gilmore.

1. “Terry: The only thing you ever talk about anymore is becoming a hockey player. The problem with that is you’re not a good player.”

Happy: You’re wrong. I am a good player. You’re a terrible kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen the work you bring home from school and it’s terrible.”

2. “Shooter: You’re in for it now, Gilmore. I have people like you for my breakfast. I’m not worried about you at all.

Happy: You eat people for breakfast?

Shooter: No I don’t.”

3. “Virginia: I heard something about you. I heard that you broke a rake and threw it out in the woods.

Happy: What do you mean? I didn’t break anything. I was trying to figure out the durability of it and then I put it in the woods because it is wood. I thought it would be more comfortable with its family.”

4. “Virginia: Don’t waste your time beating him here. Beat him on the golf course.

Happy: Exactly. I will whip your ass on the golf course.

Shooter: Sure you will and Grizzly Adams also had a beard.

Lee: Actually, he did have a beard.”

5. “Chubbs: What are you doing, Gilmore?

Happy: I have about a year to try out for hockey. I gotta get tough.”

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6. “Chubbs: You did a good job today.

Happy: I appreciate that.

Chubbs: Don’t get cocky. You weren’t that good. You had to rely on luck.

Happy: People may call it luck. I’m one of those people that like to call it luck. Who cares?”

7. “You could trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up!”

8. “Chubbs: It’s all about hip action, Gilmore.

Happy: Will you get off of me?

Chubbs: Calm down. I’m just trying to get you to relax.

Happy: Well, do it to someone else.”

9. “Happy: As big as you are, how come you don’t play football?

Chubbs: My mother didn’t want to sign the permission slip. She thought it would be too dangerous.

Happy: She made the right decision.”

10. “Portland is the winner today no matter what happens in the competition. Any time I come here, it’s hard to go home. I think someone put something in the water to keep people from leaving this city.” – by Shooter

11. “Happy: It would give me great pleasure to punch him in his face. Unfortunately, I can’t do that because I would be in trouble. I’m sure you go through this a lot on Let’s Make A Deal.

Bob Barker: I’m not on Let’s Make A Deal. I’m on The Price Is Right.

Happy: Oh right. Sorry about that.”

12. “Grandma: That commercial is making me hungry.

Happy: Eating won’t be a problem for us anymore. I got a Subway card that says I could eat Subway for free for the rest of my life.”

13. “Chubbs, I admit I am not a smart man. I am stupid actually. You were right all along and I was wrong. You’re a great player and I’m a terrible player. You look great while I’m ugly.” – by Happy

14. “Orderly: Great news everyone! There will be more time for arts and crafts today.

Elderly woman: My fingers are in pain.

Orderly: What did you say?

Elderly woman: My fingers are in pain.

Orderly: Now your back’s gonna be in pain because you’re gonna have to do landscaping. Does anyone else have pain in their fingers? (no one responds) I didn’t think you would.”

15. “Guy On Green: Hey you finally got a hole in one.

Happy: I finally did it. For some reason, I couldn’t do it right. I wanted to do it right, but I just couldn’t do it right.”

16. “Chubbs: Thanks for following the dress code.

Happy: If I dress like that, I would beat my own self up.

17. “Grandma: How’s the girl you’re dating?

Happy: She’s not too good. She was hit by a car and died.”

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18. “Grandma: May I have a glass of warm milk? It is the only thing that will help me go to sleep.

Orderly: You can ask me for a glass of leave me alone. You will go to sleep. If not, I will make sure you go to sleep. You see my nametag? You’re living in my world now, grandma.”

19. “I don’t want just part of you. I want all of you.” – by Bob Barker

20. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Happy Gilmore. For as long as I could remember, I enjoyed hockey. I wasn’t the greatest skater in the world despite that, my father still taught me his greatest move.” – by Happy

21. “While I was in high school, I played hockey. I still hold two records. One of the records is spending all of my time in a penalty box. The other record is for being the only person to ever take off his skate and try to hurt someone.” – by Happy

22. “To play golf, you need to have ugly pants and a big behind. My neighbor is perfect for the sport because of his big behind.” – by Happy

23. “Did the ball go in? I wasn’t looking. I didn’t see it go in. Can someone tell me if the ball went in or not?” – by Happy

24. “Virginia: I thought we agreed to be friends.

Happy: Do friends listen to love songs in the dark?”

25. “(To the ball): do you think you’re too good to go home? Are you gonna respond to me?” – by Happy

26. “You gotta take in the good vibes and keep out the bad ones. You have to go with the flow and feel it just like a carousel.” – by Potter

27. “Help! I need to get out of this car!” – by Grandma

28. ““Why don’t I go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay. I just may. Whaddya say?”” – by Happy

29. “Chubbs: I was told I was supposed to be the next Arnold Palmer.

Happy: What happened with that goal?

Chubbs: I wasn’t allowed to play pro golf anymore.

Happy: Is it because of your race?

Chubbs: No. It’s because an alligator tore my hand off.

Happy: Really?

Chubbs: It happened in Florida. My ball went down by the lake. The alligator showed up and took me out in my prime. I was able to get my revenge when I took out one of its eyes.

Happy: You’re a sick man, Chubbs.”

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30. “Where were you at, you dipstick?” – by Happy

31. “Happy: I’ll make a deal with you. If you score, I’ll leave you alone. If you don’t, you have to kiss me like you mean it.

Virginia: Do you always have a puck on you?

Happy: Yes I do”.

32. “This is a big financially racial audience at this Invitational.” – by the Announcer

33. “This is golf not a concert.” – by Shooter

34. “Mr. Larson: That’s two, Shooter.

Shooter: I’m surprised you can count. That’s great.

Mr. Larson: You can count on the fact that I’ll be waiting for you in the back.”

35. “Stop flirting with the help and take your shot if you can, Gilmore.” – by Shooter

If you like these quotes, you should check out our collection of Adam Sandler Quotes too!

Happy Gilmore Video

Here is an excellent video of the best scenes. If you haven’t seen the movie, it will give you a taste. And if you’ve seen the movie, it will remind you how much fun it was! And you might find yourself watching the movie this week!

The Best Quotes from Jay and Silent Bob


Happy Gilmore is a hilarious movie. It has a lot of one-liners that keep the audience entertained. There is a lot of sarcastic humor for viewers who are into that type of comedy.

Adam Sandler has quite a few funny lines as Happy Gilmore. This movie is arguably one of the most quotable movies ever written.

Almost every scene has a line that you wouldn’t want to forget. The quotes are funny regardless of how many times you watch the movie. The writers did an excellent job with the dialogue. The actors recite the lines in a funny way that makes each quote timeless.

If you have seen the movie, this is another chance to enjoy the humor. If you haven’t seen it, you are in for a treat because there are plenty of funny lines for you to enjoy.


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