The 45 Best Ron Swanson Quotes

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Ron Swanson is a fictional TV character on the hilarious show Parks and Rec that first aired in 2009. The role is played by Nick Offerman and many consider it to be one of the funniest TV characters in decades. In the show, he is the former husband of two women both named Tammy Swanson. And he is currently married to Diane Swanson. Ron is generally a bit of a loner who presents with a steely demeanor in his office life.

Ron says many ridiculous things during the show, often with a subtle dead pan wit. This is why he’s so funny. We gathered his best lines and hope you enjoy them.

Ron Swanson’s Best Quotes

1. “I have a hernia. I’ve had It for a while, and I’ve been ignoring It successfully. But uh, This morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.”– Ron Swanson

2. “I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”– Ron Swanson

3. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if It helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if It meant nothing got done.”– Ron Swanson

4. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”– Ron Swanson

5. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”– Ron Swanson

6. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”– Ron Swanson

7. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”– Ron Swanson

8. “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”– Ron Swanson

9. “I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.”– Ron Swanson

10. “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.”– Ron Swanson

11. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”– Ron Swanson

12. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”– Ron Swanson

13. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”– Ron Swanson

14. “I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.”– Ron Swanson

15. “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.”– Ron Swanson

16. “You choose a thankless job. You can’t be upset when nobody thanks you. Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”– Ron Swanson

17. “You’ve fallen into a classic trap, Christopher: trying to fix a woman’s problems instead of just listening to what they are.”– Ron Swanson

18. “The whole point of This country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”– Ron Swanson

19. “There’s only on thin I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.”– Ron Swanson

20. “It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”– Ron Swanson

21. “I call This turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of This at the same time because I am a free American.” Ron Swanson

22. “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, It can be a surface on which to make art.”– Ron Swanson

23. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”– Ron Swanson

24. “Give 100 percent. One-hundred-and-ten percent is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.”– Ron Swanson

25. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins.”– Ron Swanson

26. “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”– Ron Swanson

27. “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara… she goes by Tammy.”– Ron Swanson

28. “Strippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.”– Ron Swanson

29. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”– Ron Swanson

30. “Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.”– Ron Swanson

Related: The Best Robert California Quotes

31. “The only reason anyone is going to This thing is because they’re afraid of what Marlene will do to them if they don’t. That women is tough. In 1994 I gave her a nickname, it’s unrepeatable, but It stuck. It’s my proudest accomplishment. It’s the iron c*ck shredder of Pawnee.”– Ron Swanson

32. “My name is Ron Swanson. I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government.”– Ron Swanson

33. “On nights like This when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.”– Ron Swanson

34. “Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.”– Ron Swanson

35. “Please talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.”– Ron Swanson

36. Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life

37. “Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.”– Ron Swanson

38. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”– Ron Swanson

39. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.”– Ron Swanson

40. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”– Ron Swanson

Related: Funny Yoga Quotes

41. “This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when It tried to deliver me a package.”– Ron Swanson

42. “I am submitting This menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.”– Ron Swanson

43. “I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. people who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…”– Ron Swanson

44. “When I walked in This morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!”– Ron Swanson

45. “Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga”– Ron Swanson

Related: Creed Bratton’s Best Quotes

Video: The Best of Ron Swanson

Okay if you’ve read this far, you really should watch this. It’s his best moments. The absolute funniest clips and tens of millions of people have watched this video – it’s that funny!

Related: Michael Scott’s Funniest Quotes

Summary

Ron Swanson is a quite a funny TV character, isn’t he? Nick Offerman’s portrayal of Ron Swanson has received widespread critical acclaim and his character is often mentioned when people talk about the show. Some have even said that he is one of the best TV characters in decades. Mr. Offerman received several award nominations for his role as Ron Swanson and went on to win the TCA Award for Individual Achievement in Comedy.

The above quotes about Ron Swanson are very funny and will put a smile on your face. Let us know which one is your favorite in the comments below.

Related: Larry David’s Funniest Quotes

 

 

 

 

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