35 Of The Most Interesting and Funny Jay Leno Quotes

James Douglas Muir Leno is a renowned American actor, comedian, producer, writer, and television host. He was born on April 28, 1950, in New Rochelle, New York. He attended Emerson College in Boston and graduated with a degree in speech therapy. Leno worked in nightclubs as a stand-up comic.

Jay moved to Los Angeles and served as the opening act for famous entertainers including Tom Jones and Johnny Mathis. He first performed on NBC’s The Tonight Show in 1977 and was established as Johnny Carson’s permanent guest host a decade later.

In 1992 Jay Leno was chosen by NBC over David Letterman to replace the retiring Johnny Carson. This created a rivalry for many years as Jay and Dave were competing for ratings for the same time slot!

Despite the controversy, Jay earned a reputation for his easy-going manner, cordial, and strong work ethic. He gave the show a trendy casual image. He was awarded many accolades such as a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.

If you are a fan of Jay Leno, below is a collection of his interesting and funny quotes which have been extracted from his gigs, works, tweets, talk shows, writings, and more.

Jay Leno Quotes

1. “(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.”– Jay Leno

2. “A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig’s brain to a man’s brain — and the man’s brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.”– Jay Leno

3. “A new study finds that women use their whole brain when listening and men only use half of their brain. You see, men use the other half of their brain to come up with excuses. I don’t think women use their whole brain when listening. I think they use half of it and the other half is used to memorize what men are saying so they can use it against them 10 years later!”– Jay Leno

4. “Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference.”– Jay Leno

5. “Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.”– Jay Leno

6. “Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that’s why they never hit any home runs. It’s a safety issue.”– Jay Leno

7. “Kerry’s said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger.”– Jay Leno

Read ->  Best Anna Delvey Quotes from Inventing Anna

8. “A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He’s a law student, so he probably doesn’t need it, but still, that’s not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.”– Jay Leno

9. “Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people; they’re just acquaintances.”– Jay Leno

10. “If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.”– Jay Leno

11. “According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.”– Jay Leno

32 Hilarious Quotes from John Mulaney

12. “I always tell new people in show business. I say, “Look, show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed. And when you get screwed, you will have this pile of money off to the side already.” And they go, “OK, OK, OK, you ready? You ready?” “I got screwed.” “You got the pile of money?” “Yeah, I’m fine.” I mean, that’s the way it works.”– Jay Leno

13. “More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.”– Jay Leno

14. “Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”– Jay Leno

15. “President Bush said for security reasons, he’s sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it’s not like that speaking thing was working out so good.”– Jay Leno

16. “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”– Jay Leno

17. “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”– Jay Leno

18. “For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!”– Jay Leno

19. “The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.”– Jay Leno

Read ->  35 Hilarious Bill Burr Quotes

20. “With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”– Jay Leno

21. “President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn’t met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn’t met with his job council in six months? They’re all out looking for jobs.”– Jay Leno

22. “Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!”– Jay Leno

23. “The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.”– Jay Leno

24. “I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.”– Jay Leno

25. “President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they’re going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that’s where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training.”– Jay Leno

26. “50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!”– Jay Leno

27. “A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.”– Jay Leno

28. “A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.”– Jay Leno

29. “The IRS says it’s been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS’s ability to threaten people.”– Jay Leno

30. “Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for ‘Mystic River,’ Jude Law for ‘Cold Mountain,’ and of course, George W. Bush for ‘Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.”– Jay Leno

Read ->  The Funniest Andy Bernard Quotes

31. “The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden’s financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn’t sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.”– Jay Leno

32. “I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.”– Jay Leno

33. “John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn’t show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality.”– Jay Leno

34. “Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because “the states could do a gooder job.”– Jay Leno

35. “A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.”– Jay Leno

Related: Before Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show, Johnny Carson hosted the show for 30 years! See our awesome collection of Johnny Carson Quotes,


Jay Leno is an Iconic figure who is admired for his work ethics and choice of words. He has established himself as the fans’ favorite with his interesting, inspiring, and funny quotes and sayings.

Jay’s quotes above will make you laugh and smile. The Tonight Show has been off the air for many year’s but Jay still has a very fun car show that is on CNBC. This segment with Elon Musk is very fun and shows off the new Tesla CyberTruck that is coming to market in 2021 and also the Boring Company tunnels.

Image Credit: “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” by John Edwards 2008 is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Leave a Comment