32 Hilarious Quotes from John Mulaney

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John Mulaney is an actor, producer, writer, and comedian who is best known because he is a Saturday Night Live writer. If you want to learn inspiration quotes, listening to the John Mulaney quotes will without a doubt work. In addition to this, his stand-up bits are relatable and funny since they relate to his life experience and stories.

He has hilarious approach to life. His comedy is full of funny anecdotes and humorous insights into typical daily situations that make them rise from the ordinary to the humorous. John Mulaney quotes are appropriate if you need some encouragement or need to get over your day’s problem by laughing.

John Mulaney Quotes

Therefore, here are some of the quotes shared by Johh Mulaney that will prove invaluable as you carry out your daily life.

1. 13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you for long. They’ll be like ‘Ha, ha, ha, ha hey look at the high waisted man. He got feminine hips’ and I’m like ‘No! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about.

2. He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti, but instead, he made his living in murder. He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. That line never gets a laugh, but it stays in the act forever once you write it.”

3. By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Johnathan Taylor Thomas.

4. As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert.

5. I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.


6. Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.

7. You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

8. You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.

9. Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store, and I’ll buy them.

10. Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.

11. I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it gets pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.’

12. You remember being 12 when you’re like, ‘No one looks at me, or I’ll kill myself.

13. I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I could not express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away —​ then they’re just pants.

14. You start doing something, and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly, and then they shake it out, and you get beautiful toddlers.

15. I’m a fortunate person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.

16. I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t want to name an actual airline so let’s make one up; let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.

17. All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me, maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.

18. It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.

19. The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that everyone should give it four stars when a movie comes out because it was accomplished.

20. I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

21. I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of every year, plus I get super-hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.

22. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.

23. I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would blackout, and I would ruin parties.

24. Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.

25. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point?

26. I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons, and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.

27. I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.

28. The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

29. When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast.

30. You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.

31. It’s important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspectives, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.

32. Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.

John Mulaney’s Quotes Will Make you Laugh This Week!

With John Mulaney’s quotes, you can positively get motivated and forget about your problems. Furthermore, they bring about laughter, and as you know, laughter is usually the best medicine for any given problem. Therefore, take your time to have fun and laugh is crucial for your physical and mental health. If you require laughter, you find it appropriate to find some time and go through John Mulaney’s quotes.


Image Credit: DoD News / Public domain

 

John Mulaney Video

If you like John Mulaney and want to see and hear his funny comedy, here is 30 minutes of his best work! This will make you laugh, we promise!

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