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The 45 Funniest Kevin Malone Quotes

The 45 Funniest Kevin Malone Quotes

Kevin Malone, born on 1st June 1968,  is a fictional character in The Office, an American television series. He is portrayed by Brian Baumgartner. Malone is one of the major-minor characters in this series directly based on a character from the British original version. Kevin is based on Keith Bishop who also shares Kevin’s lack of musical interests, communication skills, and his large size. Kevin’s character was so essential to the show that Slate magazine named Kevin as one of the reasons they aimed for the return of the show fall in 2017.

In the show, Kevin Malone is a member of the accounting department at Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Kevin is quite subdued, but he is known for making offensive or blunt comments regarding his fellow employees. He speaks about unbecoming internet habits including pornography as touched in the episodes ” Take Your Daughter to Work Day”, “E-mail Surveillance” and “Whistleblower.” Malone is very concerned about email surveillance that uncovers the information in his hard drive and flees the interview carrying the cameras so that her daughter cannot access the same information. To cut a long story short, Kevin Malone is a very funny character, and below is a collection of his funny and famous quotes.

Kevin Malone Quotes

1. “So, Dwight doesn’t understand what a silent auction is. I guess he’s the ‘stupid guy’ in the office, huh? Cause up ’til now, we didn’t have one.”– Kevin Malone

2. “Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of a cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?”– Kevin Malone

3. “Andy, I’m not Jim. The only way that I’m Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.”– Kevin Malone

4. “The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.”– Kevin Malone

5.  “Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say “car no go”, and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few .”–  Kevin Malone

6.  “At five? That’s only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.”– Kevin Malone

7. “Yeah. We missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii. I was on heaven.”– Kevin Malone

8. “You are, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you and you’re just using them. Again, the food was very good.”– Kevin Malone

9. “Angela’s cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin.”– Kevin Malone

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10. ” I cooked my way through Julia Childs’ cookbook, and now, I’m halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward’s corn flake chicken.”– Kevin Malone

11.  “Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.”– Kevin Malone

12. “The trick is to under-cook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.”– Kevin Malone

13. “Oh yeah, it’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s like eating a hot circle of garbage.” Kevin Malone

14. “I got six numbers! One more would have been a complete telephone number!”– Kevin Malone

15. “I think we should let the criminal use the card for a little longer.”– Kevin Malone

16. “The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.”– Kevin Malone

17. “A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea, so if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are you just might catch one.”– Kevin Malone

18. “I’m gonna get in my car. When I start dying I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.”– Kevin Malone

19. “Oh nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us.”– Kevin Malone

20. “Well when a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-whats fill up with you-know-what? And then her shirt gets… you know … That would be funny!”– Kevin Malone

21. “I cooked my way through Julia Child’s cookbook. And now I’m halfway through the Twilight cookbook.”– Kevin Malone

22. “Jim’s gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office, to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed. ‘Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.”– Kevin Malone

23. “At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin’s Famous Chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I’m serious about this stuff. I’m up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies. It’s a recipe passed down from Malones for generations. It’s probably the thing I do best.”– Kevin Malone

24. “Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air? Or was it me?”– Kevin Malone

25. “You’re too character-y to be a lead, and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor.”– Kevin Malone

26. “You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert.”– Kevin Malone

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27. “Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!”– Kevin Malone

28. “If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it’s that if you film anybody long enough, they’re going to do something stupid. It’s only human natural.”– Kevin Malone

29. “I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven’t been returned yet.”– Kevin Malone

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30.  “I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.”– Kevin Malone

31. “Look, I know it’s easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here’s a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.”– Kevin Malone

32. “Suicide in Ireland is a problem that nobody wants to talk about. Where you’ve got stigma, you get fear and secrecy – it becomes a vacuum.”– Kevin Malone

33. “We’ve actually had to pull out the stops and have supervisors working the windows and pull in everyone who can give a drive exam and try to accommodate them.”– Kevin Malone

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34. “They have such a strong team chemistry and such a great culture, committed to winning and to the team more than the individual. They can take on a troubled guy or a high-maintenance guy. … They can mold him into shape, and basically protect him from himself.”– Kevin Malone

35. “My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said “Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!” and she said that we’re done.”– Kevin Malone

36. “Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy.”– Kevin Malone

37. “W.B. Jones’ construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and…”– Kevin Malone

38. “It’s Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he’s mad. So that’s about it!”– Kevin Malone

39. “I am totally gonna bang Holly. She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me.”– Kevin Malone

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40. “Oh well, if they aren’t together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they’d be good together, like PB&J. [wheels turning] Pam Beasley … and Jim. What a waste. What. A. Waste.”– Kevin Malone

41. “We’re getting hungry out there. We’re all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo’s Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.”– Kevin Malone

42.  “Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they’re just keeping it a secret. Right?”– Kevin Malone

43. “Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I’ve been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It’s been yummy. But now, Andy’s coming back. So, I guess it’s goodbye chunky, lemon milk.”– Kevin Malone

44. “The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it is so important that you all come and applaud only for my band, Scrantonicity 2. Not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of.”– Kevin Malone

45. “We really don’t do a lot of weddings. We actually don’t play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam’s wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.”– Kevin Malone

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The Best of Kevin Malone – The Office

Kevin Malone (Brian Baumgartner) is The Office’s accounting guru, chili master and footwear iconoclast. Watch all our favorite Kevin moments featuring Michael Scott (Steve Carell), Dwight (Rainn Wilson), Jim (John Krasinski), Pam (Jenna Fischer) and more. #theoffice


Kevin Malone a fictional character who plays his role perfectly in The Office- television series. He is very influential such that slate magazine named him as the reason they wished the show would return in fall 2007.

Kevin’s contribution to the TV show help make it fun and entertaining to watch. We hope his hilarious quotes made you laugh and left a smile on your fact today!

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Image Credit: “Kevin (Brian Baumgartner)” by matt [sucka MC] is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0