40 Funniest Dwight Schrute Quotes

Dwight Schrute III is a character in The Office portrayed by Rainn Wilson. Born 20th January 1970, Dwight is one of the highest-ranking salesmen and assistant regional managers at Dunder Mifflin- a paper distribution company before his promotion to the regional manager, the final season. Dwight Schrute is a bed-and-breakfast proprietor at the Schrute Farms and a beet plantation owner starting in season 7. He was the owner of the business park where Dunder Mifflin Scranton is situated.

Dwight Schrute III is known for his poor social skills and common sense as well as his love for the justice system and martial arts. Through this series, Dwight Schrute attempts to become the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton by working responsibly under the regional manager Michael Scott. He gradually rises in position to become the acting branch manager for every episode. He later ascends to become second-in-command after Andy Bernard is promoted to be the regional manager, but in season 9, he is promoted to regional manager. Below are his most famous comic quotes

Dwight Schrute Quotes

1. “People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.”– Dwight Schrute

2. “As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we’re using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”– Dwight Schrute

3. “Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually, Jim is my enemy.”– Dwight Schrute

4. “In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”– Dwight Schrute

5. “There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”– Dwight Schrute

6. “I never smile if I can help it, Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”– Dwight Schrute

7. “Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm.”– Dwight Schrute

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8. “I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”– Dwight Schrute

9. “I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.”– Dwight Schrute

10. “I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head-on, and I will succeed, and I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me.”– Dwight Schrute

11. “The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible.”– Dwight Schrute

12. “Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence.”– Dwight Schrute

13. “My perfect Valentine’s day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.”– Dwight Schrute

14. “All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”– Dwight Schrute

15. “Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”– Dwight Schrute

16. “Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”– Dwight Schrute

17. “I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”– Dwight Schrute

18. “Second life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It does have points or scores; it doesn’t have winners or losers.”– Dwight Schrute

19. “The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.”– Dwight Schrute

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20. “Everyone follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.”– Dwight Schrute

21. “Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality and then, moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year! What about you.”– Dwight Schrute

22. “Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty.”– Dwight Schrute

23. “I signed up for second life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same… except I could fly.”– Dwight Schrute

24. “Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.”– Dwight Schrute

25.” It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis. The person who I most medium suspect.”– Dwight Schrute

26. “Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you’re gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.”– Dwight Schrute

27. “Listen up, Flenderson, you’re being weak and ineffectual. I’m cowboying this meeting, OK! Here are the new rules, OK? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.”–Dwight Schrute

28. “A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.”– Dwight Schrute

29. “The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others; supreme. That’s great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I’d buy a dictionary. I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order; supreme.”– Dwight Schrute

30. “Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”– Dwight Schrute

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31. “Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”– Dwight Schrute

32. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.”– Dwight Schrute

33. “The important thing to remember Jim… we always have what is called the element of surprise.”– Dwight Schrute

34. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”– Dwight Schrute

35. “R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.”– Dwight Schrute

36. “Second life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It does have points or scores; it doesn’t have winners or losers.”– Dwight Schrute

37. “I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.”– Dwight Schrute

38. “I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-seized in England.”– Dwight Schrute

39. “Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.”– Dwight Schrute

40.  “I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther.”– Dwight Schrute

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Best of Dwight K. Schrute – The Office US

Where would Dunder Mifflin be without the ever-loyal, bear-loving Dwight K. Schrute? These are the absolute best and funniest moments…worth a watch!

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Dwight Schrute’s character was very funny and part of the chemistry that makes The Office so funny to watch. He is definitely a bit of an oddball character but he always makes you laugh.

Image Credit: “Rainn Wilson aka Dwight Schrute from The Office” by nan palmero is licensed under CC BY 2.0

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