50 Most Side-Splittingly Hilarious Golden Girl Quotes

We can get caught up in our daily stress, and for those times, we would like nothing more, than to relax and unwind. To quiet our minds and put the body into a nice relaxed state. When times get rough, we need an outlet of comedy to lift our spirits and brighten up the day. And what better way to do this than by having everyone’s favorite feisty females help up your mood!

One of television’s top-rated sitcoms, the Golden Girls got its start on September 14, 1985. It is an award-winning show featuring Betty White (Rose Nylund), Beatrice Author (Dorothy Zbornak), Estelle Getty (Sophia Petrillo), and Rue McClanahan (Blanche Devereaux. This enlightening show teaches us many lifelong lessons to learn by!

The following 50 funny Golden Girls quotes will guarantee you a bright sunny day. Whether you’re someone enjoying the golden years or are in need of some heartfelt laughter, we chose each one with care to help brighten up your day.

Golden Girl Quotes

1. “I know I look square, but I’m like my father’s tractor. I take a while to warm up, but once I get going, I can turn your topsoil till the cows come home.” — Rose

2. “I’m an old white woman. I’m not supposed to have color. Do you want, color? Talk to Lena Horne.” — Sophia

3. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia

4. “Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.” — Dorothy

5. “Let me tell you a story. Picture it, Sicily…” — Sophia

6. “It’s like we say in St. Olaf — Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund’s Day without the headless boy.” — Rose

7. “Nobody ever believes me when I’m telling the truth. I guess it’s the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.” — Blanche

8. “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” — Blanche

9. “Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm…” — Rose

10. “I am single, I’m free on Saturday night, and I can arch my back until my head touches my heels.” — Blanche

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11. “They were all buying T-shirts, you know, the ones that say, ‘Today is the first day of the end of your life.” — Dorothy

12. “Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?” — Sophia

13. “Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all his slacks.” — Dorothy

14.“No! No, I will not have a nice day!” — Dorothy

15. “After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!” — Sophia

16. “It’s like life is a giant weenie roast, and I’m the biggest weenie!” — Rose

17. “No one in my family has ever seen a psychiatrist…except of course when they were institutionalized!” — Blanche

18. “Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad, and still look so good?” — Blanche

19. “Condoms, Rose! Condoms, condoms, condoms!” — Dorothy

20. “She’s really a very sweet woman. She just doesn’t like to show it.” — Dorothy

21. “That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain’t better but a tick on a slow-moving hound dog.” — Blanche

22. “Grandma Hollingsworth always said I was a little flighty…or was it a little floozy?” — Blanche

23. “Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I’d rather live with a lesbian than a cat. Unless a lesbian sheds; that I don’t like.” === Sophia

24. “Oh, c’mon Blanche. Age is just a state of mind. Blanche: Tell that to my thighs.” — Dorothy

25. “I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don’t wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I’ve been known to put away more than one eggnog.” — Rose

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26. “My mother used to say: the older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” — Rose

27. “At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I’d kill to have an impure thought” — Terry Grossman

28. “As they say in St. Olaf: hergenbargenflergenflurfennerfen.” — Rose

29. “My son married a welder. Too bad she didn’t weld his zipper shut. They got ten kids they can’t afford.” — Sophia

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30. ” Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless. ” — Sophia

31. “I thought I was going to die. I swear I have never felt such agony. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes and I thought, ‘What a shame if I die now, I’m too young…and I’m wearing the wrong underwear.” — Blanche

32. “Why don’t I just wear a sign, ‘too ugly to live’?” — Dorothy

33. “Rose, what are you listening to? Rose: A relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me. Dorothy: Is it working? Rose: Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.” — Dorothy

34. “Forgive me, Rose, but I haven’t had sex in 15 years, and it’s starting to get on my nerves.” — Sophia

35. “I could get herpes listening to this story!” — Dorothy

36. “I’ve been having a good time, and there wasn’t even a man in the room.” — Blanche

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37. “Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?” — Rose

38. “Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?” — Dorothy

39. “They were all buying T-shirts, you know, the ones that say, ‘Today is the first day of the end of your life.’” — Dorothy

40. “Stanley, you’re one chromosome away from being a potato.” — Dorothy

41. “You’ll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.” — Dorothy

42. “I feel that you have backed me into a corner, and when I am backed into a corner, I come out fightin’ like a wildcat. Unless I’ve had too much to drink, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad passionate love on the carpet.” — Blanche

43. “If this sauce were a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.” — Sophia

44. “You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.” — Rose

45. “I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people? In Little Falls, the jeweler was Jewish. Jeweler, Jewish—I wonder if there’s a connection.” — Rose

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46. “I think there’s a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.” — Sophia

47. “I hate to admit it, but he melts my Haagen-Dazs.” — Rose

48. “My great-granddaddy always said that there are two things you never sell to a friend—a car and a slave—because if either one of them quits working you’ll never hear the end of it. Of course, they hanged my great-granddaddy. He said a lot of things he shouldn’t have.” — Blanche

49. I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but that’s a separate story.” — Blanche

50. “When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who’s 80, chances are she is not after his body.” — Dorothy

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Video: Golden Girls Theme Song Opener

Check out the opening theme song for Golden Girls. If you haven’t seen the show, it will inspire you to watch. And if you have seen it, it will inspire you to re-watch some old episodes!

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Those are some of the funniest Golden Girl quotes ever presented to the world. May they lighten up your day and help to put some pep in your step. Whether you’re 22 or 102, the Golden Girls provide comedic relief to people of all ages.

I hope they bring you joy that lasts throughout the day and into the night. And never forget, when life throws you a curveball, let the Golden Girls come to your rescue!

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