The Funniest Andy Bernard Quotes

Andy Baines Bernard, born on 24th January 1973, is a fictional character from The Office, an NBC comedy television series portrayed by Ed Helms. Andy is introduced as the Regional Director and he is in charge of sales At Stamford branch paper distribution company Dunder Mifflin. This happens in the 3rd season premiere Jim Halpert decides to transfer, merging with the Scranton branch the episode “The Merger” later in the season.

Andy becomes the Regional Manager At the Scranton branch following the departure of Deangelo Vickers and  Michael Scott in the eighth-season premiere courtesy of Robert California. Unfortunately, he was temporarily fired and replaced by Nellie Bertram before he is reinstated again by the new CEO David Wallace. In the ninth series, his relationship with David deteriorates due to Andy’s lack of professionalism and focus. Their ruined relationship results in Andy’s voluntary resignation. After he is fired by the CEO, Andy takes that opportunity and pursues a singing career.

Andy Bernard’s character is insecure, maybe due to a strained parental relationship yet he demonstrates arrogant and self-centered attitudes. Despite all these, he has been very kind to his colleagues and even acted as a brother. Below is a collection of Andy’s most entertaining quotes.

Andy Bernard’s Best Quotes

1. “I’ve Always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school, I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway Got a twelve twenty. Always regretted it… I feel lachrymose.”– Andy Bernard

2. “I’m petrified of nipple chafing. One it starts, it’s a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. It’s a tough one. Gotta take precautions.”– Andy Bernard

3. “Put your heart out there like that, it’s liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!”– Andy Bernard

4. “The weird thing is now I’m exactly where I want to be. I’ve Got my dream job At Cornell, and I’m still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they’re the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you’re in ‘the good old days’, before you’ve actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.”– Andy Bernard

5. “I guess I can cancel my order from, because oh the loafers have arrived.”– Andy Bernard

6. “I’ve been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don’t know if I’m wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup.”– Andy Bernard

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7. “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”– Andy Bernard

8. “I’m a little worried that I may have asked out Naughty Nelly instead of Erin. Which would be whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nelly says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.”– Andy Bernard

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9. “You are a critical part of this seminar. You’re the charming warm-up guy. If the seminar was a meal, you’d be the amuse-bouche.”– Andy Bernard

10.” I’m a terrible salesman, and I haven’t been making very many sales lately…or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, Which would suck, because this is the only job I’ve ever been good at.”– Andy Bernard

11. “Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It’s so powerful, even a lot of men can’t resist a man singing show tunes.”– Andy Bernard

12. “You can’t let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. ‘Oh I like your dress, but I’d like it more if you had prettier hair.”– Andy Bernard

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13. “I’m talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let’s get high on our own supply!”– Andy Bernard

14. “Guys, word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don’t get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.”– Andy Bernard

15. “I found the best “tentist” on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani’s first and third weddings. And I Got him. I Got him!”– Andy Bernard

16. “Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad.”– Andy Bernard

17. “Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. But after five weeks in anger management, I’m back, and I’ve Gota new attitude and a new name and a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.”– Andy Bernard

18. “They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.”– Andy Bernard

19. “Claude Van Damme- Hair for men- Poison gas- Nutrasweet It’s gotta rhyme with “piece.” Fancy feast! Break me off a piece of that fancy feast. It’s a cat food. Nailed it.”– Andy Bernard

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20. “What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message so it just had a little more zing and a little more pep?”– Andy Bernard

21. “Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no. My grandfather would be spinning in his urn if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now, or I will take it off for you, sir. I am totally and completely kidding! Andy Bernard. Cornell, ’95.”– Andy Bernard

22. “Banana cream’s the first to go. We’ll be lucky to get pumpkin At this point.”– Andy Bernard

23. “Yeah so life gives you lemons and you just have to eat them rinds and all. And if you don’t want to eat them your ex girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend.”–Andy Bernard

24. “Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I’m not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. Ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acapella group, ‘Here Comes Treble.”– Andy Bernard

25. “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”– Andy Bernard

26. “I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has, my brain, which I use to my advantage when advantageous.”– Andy Bernard

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27. “New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I’m the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.”– Andy Bernard

28. “Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom. Mike. Nifty! They are nifty!”– Andy Bernard

29. “Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.”– Andy Bernard

30. “At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing At work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.”– Andy Bernard

31. “Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it’s irrelevant. Because I called admissions, and it looks like I will be conducting your university interview.”– Andy Bernard

32. “Okay, I hear you, sweetheart. But this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You’re gonna love these guys. Carl one, Carl two, Broccoli Rob, Sparerib, Doobie, Lunchbox. Boner Champ. That’s me. Pubie Lewis and the News. Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle. Sandwich. These are the best best men a guy could ever hope for.”– Andy Bernard

33. “What is this? All right. We’re all on the same team. Is it- [Andy steps in manure again] Damn, why is that in the kitchen?”– Andy Bernard

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34. “I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mmm. Maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm. Or an art critic, that painting is bad.”– Andy Bernard

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35. “Put your heart out there like that, it’s liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick. It has barbecue sauce of shame and rage, and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.”– Andy Bernard

36.” [yelling At Erin] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns to a man playing on Erin’s team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I’m concerned you might be in danger.”– Andy Bernard

37. “So your car’s totaled. You’re just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He’s great, but I can’t do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.”– Andy Bernard

38. “Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.”– Andy Bernard

39. “Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams in agony]”– Andy Bernard

40. “Pam’s carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we Put our baby in Pam. Doesn’t matter what Pam looks like.”– Andy Bernard

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Best of Andy Bernard – The Office US

Welcome to the best of the Nard-dog!! Now beer me & enjoy!! #TheOffice


From the television series “The Office”  Andy’s traits are clear – he has a poor attitude and anger management issues. He often seems at odd with his fellow co workers and even with himself. Overall he is a bit of a miserable person but a fun character to watch.

We hope you enjoyed his hilarious quotes and maybe they will inspire you to watch some re-runs of The Office this week.

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