68 Best Creed Bratton Quotes

Creed Bratton is a character on the hit show, The Office. The show is about a group of people working at a fictional paper company called Dunder Mifflin. Each day, the employees are followed by cameras because they are filming a documentary about life at a paper company.

Every character on the show is funny and quirky in their own way, but none of them are like Creed. Everything about this man is a mystery, from his past to his current living situation. Unlike the other characters on the show, the more Creed speaks, the more questions the audience has about his life.

Here are some of the best Creed Bratton quotes, and many of them add to the hilarity and the mystery surrounding this character.

Creed Bratton Quotes

#1 “Just pretend like we’re talking until the cops leave.”

#2 “I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.”

#3 “I’ve never owned a refrigerator before.”

#4 Cool beans, man! I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.”

#5 “Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name is Creed Bratton.”

#6  “If my parents see this, I’m toast.”

#7 “You ever see a guy with four toes?”

#8 “I already won the lottery, I was born in the US of A”

#9 “Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets into trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.”

#10 “I’m a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women’s room for number two. I’ve been caught several times, and I have paid dearly.”

#11 “When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one more to go.”

#12 “The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive, just like I did when I was a homeless man.”

#13 “I run a small fake I.D. company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff’s station.”

#14 “I stopped caring a long time ago.”

#15 “Did one of you tell Stanley that I have asthma? Cause I don’t. If this gets out, they won’t let me scuba. And if I can’t scuba, what am I working towards?”

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#16 “A beautiful morning at Dunder Mifflin, or like I like to call it, Great Bratton.”

#17 “Guys, I’m starting to think Pam’s not even pregnant.”

#19 “I’ve never owned a refrigerator before”

#20 “He’s been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Now it’s funny stuff, but mean.”

#21 “I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A baby! And as a backup, I have a Swiss passport.”

#22 “You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.”

#23 “Hey, brah. I have been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes your guy’s gotta rude the bull. Later skater.”

#24 “It’s Halloween? That is really, really good timing.”

#25 If my parents see this, I’m toast.”

#26 “We should hang out by the quarry and thrown things down there.”

#27 “Guys I’m starting to think Pam’s not even pregnant.”

#28 You deal with this, or you, me Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car…we’re goners.”

#29 “I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.”

#30 “Jinx, buy me some coke.”

#31 “A wheel wants to spin, Pam.”

#32 “It’s Creed. FYI I’m starting my own paper company looking to poach some chumps. You in?

#33 Let’s keep this on the QT, okay? I want to be a dead mama JAMA.”

#34 “Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, 10 fingers, two nipples, a butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Lochness Monster and the reward for its capture…all the riches in Scotland. So I have one question, why are you her?”

#35 “My tombstone has been already made, thank you.”

#36 “I vant to sell your blood.”

#37 “Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people.”

#38 All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got Squeaky Fromme. No small talk. Just show her who’s the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.”

#39 “What’s a text?”

#40 “The ball’s on you, man.”

#41 “It’s pronounced Ker-nell. It’s the highest rank in the army.” (Speaking about Cornell University)

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#42 “I can bring these to my shelter.”

#43 “What is wrong with this woman? She’s asking about stuff that’s nobody’s business. What do I do? Really, what do I do here? I should’ve written it down. Qua something, uh…qua…quar…quibo, qual…quir-qubity. Uabity assurance! No, no, no, no, no, but I’m getting close.”

#44 “You’re over 40; that’s the cut-off. Are you listening to what he’s saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I’m telling you, this kid is the grim reaper.”

#45 “Was any of this real?”

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#46 “Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percoset, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What….”

#47 “yes. Hello, Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn’t there. I’m trying to remember who it was. Who wasn’t there last week?”

#48” Every week, I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course, the one year I blow it off, this happens.”

#49 “Animals can’t feel pain.”

#50 “He was drunk as a skunk. He was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18-wheeler. Pop. Snaps right off.”

#51 “I was in an iron lung when I was a teenager.”

#52 “Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.”

#53 “You should see how many supplies I’ve taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing.”

#54 “Everywhere I look, it’s Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally, a kid who is not talking about Betty White. Of course, I follow him.”

#55 “You’re paying way too much for your worms, man. Who’s your worm guy?”

#56 “That wasn’t a tape worm” (Talking about the worm he sold Kelly to eat so she could lose weight.)

#57 “I don’t want to take myself too seriously. That’s my lesson to myself.”

#58 “Ohm, I steal things all the time. It’s just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago.”

#59 “In case you were wondering, my spirit animal is a duck-billed platypus.”

#60 “Apparently, I don’t want to take myself too seriously.”

#61 “There’s not that many people from the sixties who have progressed as writers and are continuing on. They’re out there. But I’m one of them who’s just continued on, following his own little inner madness.”

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#62 “I was with a folk trio back in ’63 and ’64, and we traveled all across North Africa, Israel, and Europe.”

#63 “I was a drama major through college.”

#64 “I don’t sit down to write a song, per se.”

#65 “I’m a survivalist and a survivor.”

#66 “I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual like, not make a bit deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. Just one stunning gorgeous cartwheel.”

#67 “It’s pirate code. It means he wants to meet. I understand pirate code. I can’t speak it.”

#68 “Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.”

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Creed Bratton Video – The Best of Creed

If you love Creed, this is a fantastic montage of his best moments.

We promise you will smile…and be laughing hysterically!

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Creed is hysterical whether he is speaking to the mock-documentary team, with his co-workers, and even to himself. He is one of the most puzzling and funny characters on the office. Just when you think that you have Creed’s life figured out, he says something else to prove that you were completely wrong in whatever it was that you believed.

The mystery of Creed is that it isn’t just the audience who is completely confused about Creed’s life. His coworkers, who appear to be the closest people in his life, know nothing about this man or his life either. That is the magic that is Creed. There are plenty of reasons to watch The Office, and Creed Bratton is one of the best reasons of all. Almost every line is hilarious.


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