Major Payne is a 1995 classic comedy starring Damon Wayans in the titular role. Directed by Nick Castle, the movie follows the life of a US military officer, Major Payne, after his discharge. He trains a group of young cadets for a competition and leads them to victory. Major Payne is loosely based on the 1955 film, The Private War of Major Benson.
Although comedy is at the heart of it, Major Payne is more than funny scenarios and offensive jokes. It’s a movie that motivates young people to develop patience, discipline, and confidence to achieve their goals. If you want to learn some life lessons with humorous dialogues, here are Major Payne quotes from the movie.
Motivational Major Payne Quotes
1. “Got no worries, got no stress.” – Major Payne
2. “Now you might feel a little pressure.” – Major Payne
3. “I never said family don’t break up. Don’t you watch Oprah?” – Major Payne
4. “Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice!” – Cadet Kevin Dunn
5. “Don’t push the ‘maybes,’ baby.” – Major Payne
6. “Boy, I am two seconds from being on you, like white on rice in a glass of milk, on a paper plate in a snowstorm.” – Major Payne
7. “One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back, or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.” – Major Payne
8. “From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.” – Major Payne
9. “From now on, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.” – Major Payne
10. “General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself? Surely there must be somebody left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.” – Major Payne
11. “Sorry, Major. There’s nobody left. You’ve killed them all.” – General Decker
12. “Because he’s six? Woman, when I was six years old, I had a full-time job.” – Major Payne
13. “I don’t call it babying, I call it nurturing.” – Emily Walburn
14. “And I call it neutering.” – Major Payne
15. “I don’t like it. It makes me feel all funny.” – Major Payne
16. “He’s trying to show you some affection.” – Emily Walburn
17. “You’d better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!” – Drug Lord
18. “I tell you, ladies, you’re the prettiest cadets under my command.” – Major Payne
19. “He in there? If he’s still in there, he is not happy!” – Major Payne
20. “Who’s the person that got me this blood on this lip? Who’s responsible? Don’t all run at once. Maybe no one’s responsible. I just had it coming!” – Major Payne
21. “A bullet. It’s something special. It’s from my heart.” – Major Payne
22. “What about family, and unity, and all that other bullshit you said?” – Cadet Alex Stone
23. “What’s your damage, muscle head? Are you stupid? You ignorant or are you just plain old deaf?” – Major Payne
24. “Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?” – Major Payne
25. “You eye me one more time; I’ll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat’s cookie bag!” – Major Payne
26. “You hit that boy again; I’m gonna do more than salute you.” – Major Payne
27. “Major Payne reporting for duty, Sir!” – Major Payne
28. “What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?” – Major Payne
29. “Let me tell you all something. War has made me very paranoid! And when you get to eyeballing me, it makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!” – Major Payne
30. “You’re in charge of the green boys.” – Dr. Phillips
31. “‘Slippery,’ he says. Do you think Charlie cares anything about it being slippery? The only thing he knows is to slit your throat. What if this were a life-or-death situation?” – Major Payne
32. “Be advised, ladies. We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on the word WIN: Whisky! India! November! Get used to the sound of that word!” – Major Payne
33. “I’m sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man. Do you understand sign language? Can you read lips?” – Major Payne
34. “Let me tell you something. I am not your damn brother!” – Major Payne
35. “Fighting is no longer being done out on the battlefields. Now, all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress, boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.” – Major Payne
36. “That’s not enough. Look at them. These animals are so pathetic that even their own commander didn’t even show up.” – Lieutenant
37. “General, are you telling me that in this man’s military, is there no room for a trained weapon of destruction?” – Major Payne
38. “Any man that’d leave you ought to be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother.” – Major Payne
39. “You’ll get no sympathy from me. If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. That’s where you’ll find my sympathy. This is no walk in the park. Let’s go. Hustle, hustle, hustle.” – Major Payne
40. “Listen, I’ve made some calls, and I have an assignment for you. It’s not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.” – General Decker
41. “You look like the Pillsbury Dough-boy. If I poke your stomach, will it make you laugh? We’re gonna have to make some room for your lunch, Bacon-boy. Get down there and give me 25 crunches, and count them out.” – Major Payne
42. “The promotion board report came out last week. This is the new Lieutenant Colonel list, and your name’s not on it. You get two chances to advance. Then we have to show you the hatch. Basic man is cutting you discharge orders right now.” – General Decker
43. “Come on, he can’t do this. Leave him alone. I can barely do it. It’s slippery out here.” – Cadet Alex Stone
44. “Because we feel good in a dress.” – Major Payne
45. “The ABCs of being a positive male role model?” – Major Payne
46. “No need for name-calling!” – Major Payne
47. “Oh, thank you. Now drop down and give me 25 more for speaking out of line!” – Major Payne
48. “You like the way I handled them white folks back there?” – Major Payne
49. “You like to rhyme, boy?” – Major Payne
50. “Maybe I like you a lot.” – Major Payne
51. “What happened to knocking first, Dotson?” – Cadet Alex Stone
52. “Used to be Samson, now I’m Ann.” – Major Payne
53. “Who’s the dummy now?” – Major Payne
54. “It’s civilian life, Sir. I had a minor setback.” – Major Payne
BEST OF MAJOR PAYNE
Major Payne is a 1995 comedy movie directed by Nick Castle. In this video, watch the best scenes from Major Payne.
Summary
Major Payne quotes will make you feel the humor and tension of the story with each word and learn how Major Payne disciplined his cadets and ensured victory for the dysfunctional group.
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