52 of the Best Patton Oswalt Quotes

Patton Oswalt was born in Virginia in 1969. As a child, he enjoyed watching horror movies and reading comic books. When he attended high school he began performing and writing his comedy. Jonathan Winters, Richard Pryor and Steve Martin served as Patton’s inspiration. After college he moved to Los Angeles to try and pursue his comedy career. He only did small gigs until he was cast in the TV show, ‘The King of Queens’ (1998 – 2007) as Spence Olchin, that is when his career began moving in the direction he had been hoping for.

Since the beginning of his career, Patton has had many other roles in movies and TV shows including: ‘Magnolia’ (1999), ‘Zoolander’ (2001), ‘Calendar Girls’ (2003), and ‘22 Jump Street’ (2014). He has voiced many characters as well, such as ‘The Secret Life of Pets 2’ (2019) where he voices the character Max.

Patton Oswalt Quotes

  1. “The idea of, ‘The journey is the destination’ is put into action by browsing in an indie record store. Besides, a human being is a much better guide than a ‘More Like This’ link on the internet.” – Patton Oswalt
  2. “I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I’m Daffy Duck.” – Patton Oswalt
  3. “Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as ‘Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice?’” – Patton Oswalt
  4. “If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.” – Patton Oswalt
  5. “Zombies can’t believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.” – Patton Oswalt, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland
  6. “All the truly great stand-ups say, “I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I’m doing my work.” To me, in the end, the surest thing is work.” – Patton Oswalt
  7. “I’m still very much an atheist, except that I don’t necessarily see religion as being a bad thing. So, that’s a weird thing that I’m struggling with that seems to be offending both atheists and people that are religious.” – Patton Oswalt
  8. “Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.” – Patton Oswalt
  9. “People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald’s hash brown if it’s all they’ve got.” – Patton Oswalt
  10. “‘You’ve gotta respect everyone’s beliefs.’ No, you don’t. That’s what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone’s beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: ‘That is f*cking stupid. Are you kidding me?’” – Patton Oswalt
  11. “I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.” – Patton Oswalt
  12. “Based on my own experience, when you’re going through adolescence you don’t know how the world works. You can’t set a story in the world you live in because you don’t know what a utility bill is, or how to budget your paycheck.” – Patton Oswalt
  13. “We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We’d have eaten ourselves alive long ago.” – Patton Oswalt
  14. “Its gaze unlocked a room in my nightmares which should have remained closed.” – Patton Oswalt
  15. “I acknowledge that you believe that, that’s great, but I’m not going to respect it. I have an uncle that believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him, nor do we respect him!” – Patton Oswalt
  16. “The truly great actors, like Charlize Theron, are just like, ‘I’m an actor. For hire. I show up, I do my job.’ There’s no ‘I’m just waiting for the inspiration.’ They just do their jobs. They say, ‘Let’s go over the scene a few times and get it.’” – Patton Oswalt
  17. “So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, ‘The good outnumber you, and we always will.’” – Patton Oswalt
  18. “I’ve had some pretty good arguments with people, but I’ve never regretted it. I’ve had people come up where it’s all emotion and no fact. That’s always sad.” – Patton Oswalt
  19. “And you’ll walk in rolling your eyes and you’ll walk out whistling sadly through your teeth because the fuel of the Nerd Mafia is disappointment and exclusion.” – Patton Oswalt
  20. “Anything’s better than Gen X which is what we got. Thanks Douglas Coupland. We sound like a team of mutant vigilantes with frosted hair and chain wallets. Actually that’s not completely horrible.” – Patton Oswalt, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland
  21. “If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.” – Patton Oswalt
  22. “I haven’t sworn off Facebook. I’m on Facebook. There’s a fan page on Facebook that I will update, but I’m on there myself under a pseudonym, because there were a lot of people able to private-message me on Facebook, and it was getting really weird.” – Patton Oswalt
  23. “We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.” – Patton Oswalt
  24. “I visited Surrey in the early fall of 1994, and I would return only if I was tasked to kill a demon to save the world. Maybe not even then. Sorry, Surrey. Sorry, world. Yay, hypothetical demon.” – Patton Oswalt
  25. “hobos’ (a slang term that combines the words ‘hope’ and ‘bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse’)” – Patton Oswalt, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland
  26. “I identify myself as a stand-up first. Even though lately there’s been an explosion of acting on my schedule.” – Patton Oswalt
  27. “I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.” – Patton Oswalt
  28. “Knowing comedy is knowing human nature.” – Patton Oswalt
  29. “Comedy and terror and autobiography and comics and literature-they’re all the same thing. To me.” – Patton Oswalt
  30. “Movies, to him and the majority of the planet, are an enhancement to life. The way a glass of wine complements a dinner. I’m the other way around. I’m the kind of person who eats a few bites of food so that my stomach can handle the full bottle of wine I’m about to drink.” – Patton Oswalt, Silver Screen Fiend: Learning About Life from an Addiction to Film
  31. “You can be an amateur and have a passion for something, but it takes a long time to actually become a professional, meaning that you can handle any situation.” – Patton Oswalt
  32. “Like, my feelings on religion are starting to morph. I’m still very much an atheist, except that I don’t necessarily see religion as being a bad thing. So, that’s a weird thing that I’m struggling with that seems to be offending both atheists and people that are religious.” – Patton Oswalt
  33. “You can be an amateur and have a passion for something, but it takes a long time to actually become a professional, meaning that you can handle any situation.” – Patton Oswalt
  34. “He smelled like carpeting, Scotch tape, and steak sauce.” – Patton Oswalt
  35. “You have to be ruthless with yourself, in terms of being honest about what is working and what is not.” – Patton Oswalt
  36. “George Bush is not stupid. He’s evil. OK? There’s a huge difference between stupid and evil.” – Patton Oswalt
  37. “Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate, they see in the long term.” – Patton Oswalt
  38. “I’ve been very lucky in my life in terms of people who are able to tolerate me.” – Patton Oswalt
  39. “You just do as many shows as you can to hone what it is you’re working on.” – Patton Oswalt
  40. “There’s nothing wrong with doing comedies, and I’m not against comedies, either, but I always want to do stuff that keeps me off my guard and gets me out of my comfort zone.” – Patton Oswalt
  41. “I have a very tiny house in Burbank. I drive an 8-year-old car. I’m gonna drive it into the ground. I enjoy what I enjoy.” – Patton Oswalt
  42. “If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.” – Patton Oswalt
  43. “Stand-up is something I just truly love to do, so I’ll always go back to it. I’ll never stop doing it, that’s for sure.” – Patton Oswalt
  44. “Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period.” – Patton Oswalt
  45. “Having enough money has to go hand in hand with living in a way that you’re not being a slave to your possessions.” – Patton Oswalt
  46. “Part of being in your twenties is not knowing an ally when you see one.” – Patton Oswalt
  47. “I’m so beyond genre, drama, comedies, I just want to do really good, interesting projects.” – Patton Oswalt
  48. “Growing up, there are always those kids who are only happy when they are making someone else upset. That is unfortunately just how some people are. And their parents were fine. Some people are just born with bad wiring.” – Patton Oswalt
  49. “It’s like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.” – Patton Oswalt
  50. The great ones show you what you can get away with. The sh*tty ones remind you what never to bother with.” – Patton Oswalt
  51. “Knowing comedy is knowing human nature.” – Patton Oswalt
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Patton Oswalt Video – Standup

A short and very funny standup bit that will remind you of how funny Patton Oswalt’s stand up comedy is.

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“I think the kind of person that gravitates toward New York is a person that’s not so much focused on controlling exactly how they appear and how they exit. They’re more fascinated with the process.” – Patton Oswalt

Even if you’re not a fan of comedy, you know who Patton Oswalt is. The famous actor and comedian has a huge fan base that may include your friends or family members. Share or send these quotes to the Patton Oswalt fans you know, or use them to make you laugh and lift your spirits.

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

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