67 George Carlin Quotes about Humor, Career and Life Itself

George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, artist, author, actor, and social critic. He was born on May 12th, 1937 in Manhattan, New York and passed away on June 22nd, 2008 due to heart failure. His take on conventional comedy made him one of the most famous and widely remembered artists till date. George’s words and his life are revered in more ways than one.

George had an interesting take on the things that he did. However, he is mostly known for his “dark comedy” that sheds light on a variety of subjects like politics, psychology, taboo subjects, religion and the English language. His special, ‘Seven Dirty Words’ became the central subject for a decision by the US Supreme Court to allow the government to censor ‘indecent’ material from airing on public mediums.

Want to learn more about George Carlin from his own words? We’ve collected some of his greatest quotes all in one place.

George Carlin’s Most Humorous and Influential Quotes

1.“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
2.“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
3.“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
4.“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
5.“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
6.“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
7.“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
8.“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
9.“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
10.“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

George Carlin quotes

11.“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”
12.“Think off-center.”
13.“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
14.“Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
15.“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
16.“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
17.“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”
18.“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
19.“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
20.“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
21.“Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

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George Carlin quotes

22.“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
23.“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
24.“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
25.“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
26.“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
27.“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
28.“War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower-class men off to die.”
29.“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
30.“‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. ”I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

George Carlin quotes

31.“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.”
32.“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
33.“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”
34.“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
35.“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
36.“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
37.“Religion is just mind control.”
38.“Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
39.“I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”
40.“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
41.“Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
42.“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
43.“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
44.“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
45.“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”
46.“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
47.“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
48.“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
49.“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
50.“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
51.“‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
52.“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
53.“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”
54.“If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”
55.“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”
56.“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”
57.“The planet is fine. The people are f**ked.”
58.“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
59.“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
60.“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: ‘Alcohol will turn you into the same a**hole your father was.’”
61.“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
62.“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, ‘Trajedi.’”
63.“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

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Life Is Worth Losing – Dumb Americans – George Carlin

If you’re looking for a glimpse of what George Carlin’s comedy gigs look like, here is a masterpiece from his HBO special known as the ‘Life Is Worth Living.’ It’s an amazing and hilarious 10 minute clip offering a highlight of what this guy was capable of.


George Carlin put a new spin on what comedy was and how it could impact high-scale decisions. His life and work have become influential in a lot of aspects, leaving a legacy of laughs, wisdom and valuable lessons. George will always be remembered by his fans for the influence he has had on various angles of their lives.

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