47 Joan Rivers Quotes to Make You Laugh

Joan Rivers was posthumously named the “best comedian of all time” in 2017 by Rolling Stone. She was an actor, a stand-up comedian, and a host.

Always speaking her mind, Joan was loved for her witty and sardonic comedy style. Though the legend is not among us anymore, we have her words to make us laugh again. Here are some of the best Joan Rivers quotes to remind you of her unabashedly honest personality!

Funny and Inspirational Joan Rivers Quotes

1. “Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.” – Joan Rivers

2. “Nothing is yours permanently, so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.” – Joan Rivers

3. “I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can’t change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can’t change what happened.” – Joan Rivers

4. “When you can laugh at yourself, no one can ever make a fool of you.” – Joan Rivers

5. “Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.” – Joan Rivers

6. “Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.” – Joan Rivers

7. “I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.” – Joan Rivers

8. “I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward.” – Joan Rivers

9. “I hate housework. You make the beds; you wash the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers

10. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.” – Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers words of wisdom
11. “Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives.” – Joan Rivers

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12. “Marriage isn’t a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call ‘the wise bamboo,’ which means you bend, so you don’t break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.” – Joan Rivers

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13. “I’ve never thought of it consciously… I say exactly what I think, and very often, it’s totally politically incorrect. I get, always chastised for it. So it’s not shtick. But I think I’m the one who says, ‘The emperor has no clothes.” – Joan Rivers

14. “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.” – Joan Rivers

15. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.” – Joan Rivers

16. “It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” – Joan Rivers

17. “Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.” – Joan Rivers

18. “I am not into exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would put diamonds on the floor.” – Joan Rivers

19. “I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door — or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.” – Joan Rivers

Famous comedian Joan Rivers
20. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” – Joan Rivers

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21. “Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.” – Joan Rivers

22. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.” – Joan Rivers

23. “Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But it doesn’t get better. You get better.” – Joan Rivers

24. “Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in high heels!” – Joan Rivers

25. “Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth, or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’” – Joan Rivers

26. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty — she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.” – Joan Rivers

27. “My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day, and I call her every day, and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.’ And she says the same thing back, ‘How’d you get this new number?’” – Joan Rivers

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28. “I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.” – Joan Rivers

29. “I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.” – Joan Rivers

30. “Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.” – Joan Rivers

31. “I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe; he once knocked on my dressing room door and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he’s ruined it. I can’t make another joke about him.” – Joan Rivers

32. “A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake Mommy before noon.” – Joan Rivers

33. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers

34. “It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog.” – Joan Rivers

35. “Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late, and you can shop in bed thanks to television.” – Joan Rivers

36. “There’s no one to call up and have the same memory bank. Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman. I met Harry Truman. But you know what I mean? Nobody’s interested. They want to know you met Rihanna.” – Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers meeting fans
37. “The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…” – Joan Rivers

38. “When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.” – Joan Rivers

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39. “The only good thing about age is that sooner or later, all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.” – Joan Rivers

40. “Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.” – Joan Rivers

41. “I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it’s baby mommas.” – Joan Rivers

42. “The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.” – Joan Rivers

43. “I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out.” – Joan Rivers

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44. “Humor doesn’t come out of the good times; it comes out of the anger, pain, and sorrow. Always the anger.” – Joan Rivers

45. “Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.” – Joan Rivers

46. “Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There’s no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he’s doing an acting job.” – Joan Rivers

47. “My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.” – Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers’s Best Lines | People

Remember the Hollywood legend’s most hilarious moments in this side-splitting look back through time.


On stage, Joan Rivers would captivate audiences with her words and beauty. The artist was always prepared to counter anything with her words and sharp wit.

Joan Rivers’s quotes about life, love, comedy, marriage, etc., have a deeper meaning than one would associate with her personality. We hope you learned a few things about her and from her with these quotes!

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Image credits:

Joan Rivers at Musto’s 25th Anniversary” by david_shankbone is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Joan Rivers A Piece of Work – SFIFF 53 closing night at the Castro 314” by Steve Rhodes is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Joan Rivers A Piece of Work – SFIFF 53 closing night at the Castro 71” by Steve Rhodes is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Joan Rivers by David Shankbone” by david_shankbone is marked with Public Domain Mark 1.0.

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